best [fill in blank] ever! blog

fuck it!

2008-06-15T12:29:00.003-04:00

why does work always take precedence over life? i'm definitely doing something wrong here, for me to stop living my life for work. obviously it's been awhile -- a LONG while since i've posted anything and i doubt ANYONE looks at my blog anymore, but i don't care. i am doing this for me.

fuck it. i am fucking over it. time to start paying attention to me. and so i'm back. how "back", i am not sure yet as i can't promise i'll actually blog regularly, but this is a start.

my return post....hmm.......it has to be something really good. oh! i know! okay. so my mom is so completely adorable and sends me care packages every now and then. they're usually filled with some of my favorite snacks -- favorite as in favorite 15 years ago -- my taste buds have since changed, but i don't have the heart to tell her, so i gushingly thank her instead. well, in one of my care packages about 3 years ago (i can't believe i haven't blogged about this one until now!), was a lip balm by avon. i rolled my eyes at the sight of it when i received it, because of COURSE she's an avon shopper. typical. well, to my surprise, this lip balm only happened to be the best lip balm EVER!!!!!! i swear to you -- this is a MUST try. i loved it so much that when my 2 tubes ran out, i went and bought 30 of them online. they were my little tag-on's to every gift i gave for every occasion (but i kept 10 for myself). and EVERY person that received it raved about how much they loved it as well. and every single one of them would later tell me that they were incredibly sad that their tube ran out! but, the good friend i am, i dig into my stash and graciously hand over another perfect white tube to my desperate-for-avon-lip-balm friends every time. :)

the best part is, they're only $.99!!!! YES, NINETY NINE CENTS!!! i know, right?! see, so what's a dollar (plus S&H) just to try it? TRY IT. you'll spend more on buying yourself some lunch or starbucks. plus, it'll save you money in the long run because you won't be buying all that ridiculously overpriced shit that really sucks in comparison.

AVON BASICS care deeply with aloe lip balm

my rating: :) :) :) :) :)

best self-confidence builder EVER!

2007-05-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

this post is for females only. sheila kelley's s factor aerobic striptease workout and pole dancing classes for any woman is the BEST self-confidence builder EVER!

aging, as we all know, is not a fun process on the body (on the mind - FABULOUS). i *hate* the gym and everything about it, but knew that i HAD to do something before my body goes hot-air-balloon and i'm a mammoth whale offending everyone i pass. so feeling rather uncomfortable in my own skin, cute-but-not-sexy, and feeling "the aging process", i googled what i thought would be the perfect solution for all 3 issues aforementioned.

after perusing all the results, to my surprise, i found this studio that seemed rather legitimate and classy (and expensive). it was $40 for an intro class and i figured -- why not try it out. it can't hurt, right?

well, one "try out", a pole, 6" stripper shoes and 4 class sessions later, I'M TOTALLY FUCKING ADDICTED!!! i no longer have body issues - in fact, my body is transforming in such a way that i never imagined! i'm using muscles that i didn't know existed. i have a newfound respect for strippers - it's not easy to do what they do! those bitches are fucking strong! i now "work out" and don't even realize it because i'm having so much fun doing it! i can do all these crazy things on a pole -- and i'm very proud, might i add.

sfactor changed my life -- not just my body and what i "can do", but also in my mind. i gained so much self-confidence and you can't put a price tag on that. period.

i got 5 people to sign up for s factor so far and i hope to get more on the bandwagon. my words aren't enough -- you have to experience it for yourself. i only hope that you at least try out an intro class.

and....GISELE (yes the HOT victoria's secret model) was in my class THREE times!!!! and yes, this is the same place that the following celebrities have been spotted: lindsay lohan, kate hudson and teri hatcher (i'm sure there's more that i don't know about/forgot).

my obvious rating: :) :) :) :) :)

info:
sheila kelley's s factor aerobic striptease workout and pole dancing classes for any woman
intro class (about an hour and a half): $40
sessions: $480 (8 weeks per session/once a week/two hours a class)
breakdown of classes: about an hour of floor exercises (yoga/pilates-ish) and the other hour for pole tricks and stripdancing (yes, you learn a routine, as well as lap dances)
atmosphere: NO mirrors in studios, extremely DARK lighting - so you never have to feel embarrassed in front of strangers
**if there isn't a studio in your location, you can buy the dvds online, as well as a pole. and don't tell anyone, but i got my pole (the same brand) cheaper on ebay!). :)

the rest -- you'll just have to find out for yourself!!! :)

best toothbrush EVER!

2006-08-07T22:30:00.000-04:00

the oral-b braun electric toothbrush is the best EVER!

i used to work at britesmile when i was "working on my business" and thought pushing electric toothbrushes was all bullshit...and just plain ol' MEAN (to push shit on people). but while visiting my sister in sf, we stopped at costco (LOVE costco, btw!!) and found that same toothbrush that britesmile was selling for $100 at $90 for 2! so my persuasive charm convinced my mom (parents were also visiting her at the same time) to buy the damn thing for the two of us. :) hee.

H-O-L-Y SHIT! i swear to god. that night when i used the fricken thing, i kinda wanted to barf when i realized how much regular toothbrushes DON'T do! and it's not that i don't take care of my teeth -- i do. i may not floss regularly like i'm supposed to, but i NEVER not brush. not even if i'm really fucking tired.

getting one of these is by far a wise investment if you care anything about yourself. the $100 is well worth it. the replacement heads will run you $19.99 for a 3 pack. or you can get a 6 pack for $25 (or was it $35..?? can't remember) from costco (and obviously if you own a costco card, i would just get the toothbrush(es) from there).

it doesn't matter what model you get, just as long as it has a small head like the one i have pictured. i personally think the oral-b is better than sonicare because of the head size. it allows you to reach your molars with ease. but if you don't believe me, get the sonicare. it's better to just have an electric toothbrush than not. but if i were you, i'd trust me and get the oral-b. :)

and btw -- there are no "i'm too lazy" excuses or whatever bullshit you want to throw at me. because truth is, you don't do any work! the fabulous oral-b braun does all of it! and be sure to brush for 2 minutes. really. don't try to blame me that "it didn't work" because YOU think 15 seconds is enough to brush your nasty-funkola-ass mouth. :)

my obvious rating: :) :) :) :) :)

i'm not sure how much longer it'll be on sale at target:
oral-b braun at target.com

which one do i want?

just in case you need some persuasion that you really *should* mark my words and get everything i blog about:

email titled: world's best world's best finder EVER!!! (thanks, joe!!!)

ok, you just completely rock. that's all i have to say about you. you bring the rock. i wish we hung out more because you are just too cool. my roomates were saying today as they scrubbed the non-poop smelling toilet with a mr. clean magic eraser, 'how does jackie FIND all this stuff?'

but beyond that, you are so fucking funny. you need a show. and you need to blog more. i'll be reading! i'll miss you!

sorry, i know posting some of that was probably unnecessary, but i've been feeling a bit down lately and need the boost. :)

best poop deodorizer EVER!

2006-07-23T13:36:00.000-04:00

screw the lysol spray shit, matches and/or candles! the kobayashi toilet deodorizer drops RULE!

your poop smells like a forest when you drop a drop of this ingenious japanese shit. my mom heard about this through my aunt, who heard about this through her friend, etc. i have NO idea what it says on the bottle, but all you need to know is that this stuff works. just drop a few drops before you drop a bomb and voila! smells like forest...

here's a picture of what it looks like in the packaging, so you know what to shop for. you can get it in japanese supermarkets and i suppose searching on the internet might do the trick. my mom gets it in hawaii (daiei, marukai) on sale for $3/regular price $4. i've only seen it for $6 or $7 here in new york. whatever the cost, it is definitely worth it. especially for the shy woman who doesn't want her boyfriend to know that she takes dumps just like him.

it's english name seems to be 'kobayashi powerful one drop'. i'm sure it's the same as the all-in-japanese bottle, but i'm a big fan of getting the original shit. so find yourself a japanese supermarket and go get one.

my rating= :) :) :) :) :)

best popcorn EVER!!!

2006-07-16T20:11:00.000-04:00

my all-time favorite popcorn "award" goes to dale and thomas popcorn!

i first became obsessed with their popcorn when they used to be popcorn indiana (i believe the name change was due to some legal battle with the actual city, popcorn, indiana, over trademarking..?? i don't know. a store employee told me the gist a LONG time ago.) ANYWAY, i would get at least a bag or two a week. until i decided to start my own business (that i am currently not working on) and finally quit my job that was a dead end for me. i had to give up a lot of things and learn how to live like a poor person. no more $5 bags of popcorn for me. it was really, really tough. because when i say their popcorn is DAMN-FUCKING-GOOD, i mean it's DAMN-FUCKING-GOOD. so good that EVERY time someone visits me, they take dale and thomas popcorn back with them for family and friends.

they have a ton of different flavors/concoctions and make the popcorn fresh daily (watching that tumbler thing is pretty mesmerizing). they have plain ol' popcorn to peanut butter & white chocolate drizzle (!!!). cheese used to be my favorite until my i'm-fucking-getting-older tastebuds decided to go kaput on me. so now my fave is their plain -- not even salted plain -- just p-l-a-i-n.

when i used to live close to one, my routine pre-movie was to grab a couple of [formerly known as pocorn indiana] bags and stop at a deli for some [non-movie expensive] cokes. bliss.

a bag will run you anywhere from $3 - $7.50 (depending on size and flavor). it may sound expensive for popcorn, but it's no more expensive than the rape-you-of-your-money movie theaters crap. and a thousand times more worth it. because it doesn't taste like ass.

dale and thomas popcorn
my rating: :) :) :) :) :)
my dog's rating: :) :) :) :) :) (you know how you sometimes *miss* your mouth while noshing & watching tv?? well, i found out she LOVES it when i do that)

best tanning oil and after sun care EVER!

2006-07-04T09:21:00.000-04:00

the banana boat tanning oil with spf 15 is by far the best shit to get dark with EVER! i was never *dark*, but i was never as white as my white ass is now. but thanks to my new roomies sharing their knowledge of how to get dark asap, people may actually believe me when i tell them i'm hawaiian!!! or...my friends back in hawaii won't be able to tease me about how WHITE i am. :)

you should definitely reapply, as the spf factor is only 15 (my mom would DIE if she knew i was using this). and besides, reapplying helps you tan faster, anyway. you definitely feel like a total grease ball by the time you get home, but that's what the shower's for.

and, for after care (thanks kim, for introducing me to this), i highly recommend the banana boat aloe after sun lotion. i am not sunburnt at ALL and i went to the beach 2 days in a row. no hurtage = good. :)

my only complaint is that it kinda just sits on you like an extra layer of skin....and i hate that feeling under the covers, but that won't stop me from using it.

banana boat tanning oil with spf 15 rating: :) :) :) :) :)

banana boat aloe after sun lotion rating: :) :) :) :) :

best bikini wax EVER!

2006-06-10T22:49:00.000-04:00

i just got the best bikini wax EVER at magnolia beauty spa in williamsburg.

it lasted a measly...i want to say.....3 minutes! magda (waxing genius) is wonderfully brilliant in her technique and FAST! and it was pretty painless! not pain free, just not so-o bad. best $20 i've spent in a long time. although i'm moving away from this area, i WILL be going back there regularly to get waxed. :)

i also got a massage and a milk & honey body wrap and was in total bliss today. :) oh! and my first mani/pedi in my entire life!! :) that was fun. hopefully getting the nails done will help me stop my horrible nail peeling habit..

magnolia beauty spa
124 bedford avenue (xstreet north 10th)
brooklyn, ny 11211
718.599.5780
m-f: 10am-8pm
sat: 9am-6pm
closed sundays
L train to bedford (just 3 blocks from the stop)

the spa is really tiny and you couldn't get massages with your friends at the same time, but with their prices, who cares! you can get pampered like you've always dreamed of without sacrificing lunch for a week. :)

i highly recommend checking them out!

my rating: :) :) :) :) :

best rental car company EVER!

2006-05-31T20:54:00.000-04:00

zipcar is the best rental car company EVER!

for those of you that live in nyc and DON'T own a car (a lot of us out there, i know), zipcar is truly made for the city guy/gal who every now and then needs to escape from all the madness/chaos/crazies.

unlike most rental car companies, zipcar's rates DON'T inflate for the holidays. you do, however, need to reserve in advance for holiday weekends if you want a car near to where you live. you don't have to:

-wait in line for the car -- you call an hour ahead before you pick it up from the garage and jet out of there as soon as you GET there

-rent for a 36 hour period just because you really need the car for 2 1/2 days. you CAN rent by hour OR day

-pay for gas...you do have to pay for miles, though. only 125 per day are included. BUT because you're not paying for gas, you're still SAVING!!!! you get a gascard and don't even have to worry about getting reimbursed.

-have COINS on you for all those mother fucking tolls [on the nj turnpike] because ALL the cars come with ezpass!!!! (you do have to pay for the tolls -- they just get charged to your credit card later). NOR do you have to WAIT IN THOSE FUCKING LINES TO GET BACK INTO THE CITY BECAUSE YOU CAN ZIP THROUGH WITH ....EZPASS!!!!!

-worry about paying for insurance, because it's INCLUDED!

-worry about returning the car before the fucking rental car company closes, because they are ALL parked at 24-hour garage lots!

-buy itrip for your ipod or burn playlists to cd's because all cars come with xm radio! (lucy and fred are my favorite channels)

you do get to:
-drive with a silly "zipcar" sticker on your car.....but hey, you should be proud that you're smarter than those dumbasses that rent cars from rip off rental car places!

-go to target and buy AS MUCH AS YOU WANT because you don't have to take the train home!

-get a $50 credit if you email me for the referral

-rent for an hour or two so you can pick up your visitors from the airport -- cheaper than making them take a cab!!!!

-make runs to costco with your friends and save $$ on the bulk shit you can get

-test drive all kinds of cool cars to figure out which one you want when you're ready to buy. not that i ever wanted a scion, but i now know that i NEVER want to buy one. know that mazda 3's are a-okay. know that vw golf's are GREAT in the snow -- had no IDEA! know that honda element's are pretty darn c-o-o-l.

-laugh at all those dummies that have to wait in the toll lines because they're losers that don't have ezpass

my rating: :) :) :) :)

(i rate it 4 because i think they should let you buy a package deal of extra miles. paying for miles makes it a little discouraging to drive really far. however, with everything else it provides you, it is STILL worth it.)

www.zipcar.com

best household cleaning product EVER, EVER, EVER!!!!

2006-04-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

the mr. clean magic eraser is by FAR the BEST household cleaning product i've EVER used!!!!!!!

i first heard of this product when my co-worker was talking about how it got stains out of her uggs. she was raving about how good the magic eraser was on her stove and decided to try it on her uggs, since not even the uggs cleaner seemed to work. like i said before, i'm a huge fan of word-of-mouth, so while on my new jersey shopping bonanza trip with my friend, i retold the story of how great this mr. clean magic eraser thing apparently is. so we both got a trial size pack (one sponge) and the next morning, i got an email from my friend, "magic eraser IS DA SHIT!!!!! it got out all the stains on my countertop!!! I LOVE ITTTTTTTTTT!!!!"

unfortunately, i didn't take pictures of my stove when i used it, but believe you me, i was SOLD. there were stains caked on there for YEARS and i've tried scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing and nothing ever came out. well....the stove looks practically BRAND NEW now!

i just did the kitchen sink today and before you see the pictures, i SWEAR to you that i've tried and tried scrubbing before and just figured these grimy stains were just there forever, like it or not. i will tell you that i used NO OTHER CLEANING PRODUCT when i did this. JUST the magic eraser.

fyi -- i promise this nastiness was here before me!!

ring around drain before

drain catch pukey before (with ring thing cleaned)

OMG!!!! does it NOT look BRAND NEW???!!!!!!

i'm only sorry that i didn't take more before pictures...

not only does it do AMAZING things -- it's SO easy to use!!! you just wet it and squeeze out the excess water and "erase" away!!! there's no filmy grime and no soapy substance that wrings out of it.

this one will have a place in my new column that i'm creating because of it -- top recommended products.

send me my coupon -- you convinced me!

THANK YOU, MR. CLEAN!!!!

my obvious rating: :) :) :) :) :)

best pet water bowl ever!

2006-03-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

the petmate deluxe fresh flow purifying pet fountain

i honestly think my dog now drinks more water on a daily basis than I do (and pees A LOT more)... this water cooler thing (??) is plugged into the wall and keeps a flow of COLD water going ALL THE TIME. it also has a filter to ensure that your pet does not have to drink nasty new york city water (okay, i hear our water's not so bad, but i don't trust). my favorite feature is that it cycles the water so your pet never has to drink still, dusty water. all that nastiness gets flushed out. if you have a medium - large dog, i would get the large size -- i'm constantly refilling the reservoir for my little 5 pound chihuahua!!!! that's how much this thing makes her drink! it's great! plus, she'll probably live longer for drinking so much water. so if you love your dog just as much as i do and can't bear to lose him/her, i would go and get one!!!!!

me & my dog rate it: :) :) :) :) :)

oh, and p.s. it's cheaper on petco.com than it is in the store, so fill up your cart to get that free shipping. it's totally worth it!!!

go fetch one:

super awesome pet water cooler

blahg

2006-03-29T19:10:00.000-05:00

i think my blahg days are over.... i don't really have anything to blahg about anymore. i mean, i can't blog about how much i love my job everyday... gets a bit boring and annoying.... i think i've discovered "what's in store for me"... so time to move on. i'm changing my blog to "best [fill in blank] ever! blog". because i'm the best poster child for EVERYTHING i like/love. i'm a huge fan of word-of-mouth and i do just that on a daily basis. i might as well spread my opinion to strangers and hope that my OPINIONS (please don't get mad at me if you don't agree, as they are OPINIONS) can help! :)

i'll finally cash in on my gift certificate for my blog revamping and eventually get this going...

but i can start with my first best...ever:
the tempur-pedic memory foam pillow!!!!

my mom got me the mattress for my birthday/christmas/everything last year and it's the GREATEST, btw. so i was with my friend shopping in new jersey because i rented a scion via zipcar (best [fill in blank] ever! post coming soon) and could actually buy as much as i damn well pleased. she was in need of new pillows and we stumbled across this guy. with no intent to buy one, we rested our heads on this $100 pillow and IMMEDIATELY fell blissfully in love. went to target to "think about it" and 3 hours later, we THOUGHT about it and cha-ching! we both got the damn thing. i LOVE it!!!! it's the GREATEST. you melt/sink in and it hugs your head. ahhhh. sweet. my only complaint is that it's harder for me to wake up in the morning now and i snooze until the very last possible second. but...it's worth every second and penny!!!!

i give it 5 :)'s (happy faces) = :) :) :) :) :) (this will be the format of my rating system, i've just decided that).

to purchase/view:

tempur-pedic pillow, please

a well deserved congratulations

2006-03-27T20:41:00.000-05:00

to my dear splendiferous, ubermagnificent, fantabulously talented friend from kailua, hawaii, EMILY HULL-MARTIN!!!!!

SHE is featured in this april's issue of gotham magazine (click on photo to read)

and to think, just a month before getting this job, she was pondering moving back to hawaii...

because i'm so generic

2006-02-15T20:18:00.000-05:00

because i'm so generic and i have no mind of my own (and am quite forgettable), i thought i'd be super unoriginal and post MORE snow pictures as if none of you (all 3 of my readers) haven't already SEEN pictures of that blizzard... or snow..EVER...

i tried to get her to stand next to the door (next to the snow), but she wasn't having it... :)

front

back

my fucking freckles

2006-02-06T19:49:00.000-05:00

i HATE them. HATE them. H-A-T-E them. they are the reason i never went the bodyboarder route with stacy & lani, but the "i'll-sit-on-the-sand-and-wait-for-you-guys-under-my-UMBRELLA-and-TOWEL-that-COVERS-my-fucking-FRECKLED-face" route. FUN, huh. i hated going to beach -- not because i thought i was a whale -- but because i didn't want anyone to see them in the bright-always-shining-hawaii sun. they are also probably the reason i moved OUT of hawaii -- because i knew that they could only get DARKER by staying there in the 365 days a year FULL ON sun (although, i'm glad i did, because i could never do what i'm doing now). they were the reason i got teased so much in intermediate and the 5th & 6th grades. i didn't ask for them. i didn't ask for them to appear suddenly in the 3rd grade. wtf??!! i fucking HATE them. after i moved here, they faded a little (and so did my skin color) and i wasn't so self-concious about them anymore.

UNTIL TONIGHT -- i went to my #2 favorite store (#1 being otto tootsi plohound), apple, and some stupid apple fuck said to me (FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH AFTER HIS "yes" ANSWER TO ME), "how'd you get freckles on only half of your face?" gee thanks, asshole! that's the one mention that can make me bawl in a split second. my ENTIRE life, i've suffered severe self-esteem issues. i would NEVER get too close (physically) to people because i never wanted anyone to notice them. although, i'm sure you could notice them a mile and a half away, but still... it just made me feel better just to think that no one could see them from 2 feet away. i am bawling as i write this now, that's how much they affect me. i can't even believe i am revealing that i have a half diseased face, but i figure only a handful of people read this thing and those people know about my cancer face.

of course that apple fuck trys to cover it up by saying, "no, where are you going? come back! they're so cute!" CUTE? FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. THEY ARE NOT CUTE. THEY ARE THE BAIN OF MY EXISTENCE. THEY'RE FUCKING FUCK SHIT FUCK. that's what i wanted to say, but if i dare stayed for a second, he would've seen me bawl in front of a bunch of apple-loving strangers & heard me talk in that hyper-ventilating-crying-so-hard voice.

so thanks to mr. apple fuck, i am no longer going to spend my freelance money on the new g5 intel imac, instead i'm going to put it towards my life dream of removing my fucking disease off of my cursed face. i'm sure it's going to cost me a buttload, but he's not the first to mention them, nor will he be the last. and until i get them removed, this anger i have about them will never go away.

so.....i guess i'll be in debt a little longer than planned. oh well, at least no one can make me bawl in a millisecond once those fuckers are gone.

yay!

2006-01-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure what the work environment is like for you all out there, but for me, it was PREEEEEETY BAD. to probably MOST of you, this "change" may not sound so drastic, but it's a whollllleee new world for me!!! :)

besides, the 8:30 (!!!!!!!!!) - 5:30 hours, this new place is so dope!

boss: our policy is, if you stay here for lunch, we pay for it.

me thoughts: AWESOME! so not only are you paying me more, but now i don't even have to spend money on lunch????!!!! i'll stay for lunch ALLL the time!

boss at 6:00: oh my god! it's 6! go home girls!!!!!

me thoughts: omg! LEAVE at 6?? i don't know what to do with all my spare time now!!!!!! coooooooll!!!!!

i know it's not much, but for me.......it's A LOT. that's how ABUSED i was!!!

it's not just those two things, but i'm not going to list everything. i just had to express how much i feel like a free bird!!! maybe i'll blog about how abused i was so you can understand why these minute things make me so happy.

credit report

2006-01-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

for the first time EVER, i'm actually posting useful blog. so did you know that you can get your credit report free once a year? i'm retarded and didn't know that until today. well, i'm assuming i'm not the only one -- or at least i hope not. :)

oh my.....IF i EVER have kids, i'm going warn them not to open fucking credit cards when those assholes are standing around outside your college campus... all that shit's on there! i was never bad with it, but still. a million fucking accounts listed in my history!!! yikes!!! having fake credit cards in your wallet when you were little....someone should put a warning label on those for kids. remember when it was so fun to "play" with those stupid fake cards that take up all the space in your wallet that has no fucking money because you were only 5??!!!!

it's a good thing my goal for the year is to pay off my debt.

anyway, here's the link:

https://www.annualcreditreport.com

be ready!!!!

:)

best....birthday.....EVER!!!!

2005-08-03T23:45:00.000-04:00

my SUPER AWESOME ladies from work got me leis from the big island!

pictured here with sandy, sharon & caroline (the SUPER AWESOME ladies)

and they got me an oreo cookie ice cream cake and those super awesome balloons!!! :)

now i've seen it all

2005-08-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

and now i have finally seen everything in new york. i swear on my life that "r" & i saw a GROWN woman SUCKING HER THUMB on the subway yesterday!!!

yes!! swear!!!

SUCKING HER THUMB.

not kidding.

GROWN woman. i say early 30's-ish.

YIKES, right?!!!

happy birthday to me!

2005-07-06T22:19:00.000-04:00

birthday present to myself (i know my b-day's not for a few weeks, but why wait for the actual *day* to get presents?!! i'm all for it's-my-birthday-YEAR-round):

photo booth + drunk cousin & her drunk friends=

i really wish i could have the "i'm drunk" excuse sometimes... i should just pretend. i mean, for REAL, what the EFFER is up with my gnarly face in that last shot (yes, i know there's nothing i can do about the fucked up face i was born with, i'm talking about ... ??? what's that???)??!!!

HELLLOOOO??? the fuck?

i heart jury duty!!!!!

2005-06-30T16:12:00.000-04:00

pick me! pick me!

I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY ME!!! what? guilty? okay. GUILTY. what? not guilty? okay. NOT GUILTY. what? morals? i'll go against them if it means me not going to the office to be a slave. fine by fucking me.

i'll be the best juror EVER, i promise!!!!!!!! save me!!!!

i had a lunch break today. WOW. what's that? whole new fucking world. AND! i finally got to catch up on reading and have maybe 15 pages left of 'the alchemist'!!!!!! :) and i sat in the park. and people watched with my ipod on (one of my favorite things to do). and went undiewear shopping at century 21. FUN! and got dismissed at 2:45!!! :)

OF COURSE, i could've gone into the office, but the way i look at it, i fucking DESERVE to have the afternoon off.

so i'm going to start cleaning as soon as i'm done blogging.

JURY DUTY'S THE FUCKING SHIT!

:)

god bless jury duty

2005-06-30T00:53:00.000-04:00

yay! i'm sooo excited to go to jury duty!!! woo hoo! :) i know, sounds like i'm on crack, right? well, that may be true, but i am actually just fucking happy to NOT have to go to work for 14 hours (times that by 3x a week, it woud be 5 if i didn't have "class"). "class", because i have to drop the fuck out since i'm at work for 14 bloody hours a fucking fuck day! FUCK! so "class" is my only out to GET OUT of work at a "normal" time. mother fucker. fucking balls. oh, and NO overtime. fucking getting raped. bastards.

i think i have a swearing disease. fuckshitbitch disease. does that exist?

anyway.....mindi, i just wanted to let you know that i took 3 bags for you tonight (and YES, i was totally fucking allowed to). (and yes, this is what it's come down to, me writing people via my blog since i don't exactly have free time anymore.)

yay for independence day. can't wait!

wanna hear the funniest thing? apparently, i'm the "go to" person for grammatical error checks pre- sending professional emails. (did i just make you fall off your chair and get back on it and fall off it again and puke out your breakfast?) WTF?! do they NOT hear me talk? OBVIOUSLY they don't read my blog. i couldn't give a flying fucking shit about grammar. ha! maybe it's from being at ru for 3 1/2 years. SO I DID LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE 'OL RU AFTER ALL. W-O-W. and here i thought it was just how to mass mail with style... for real, i am like....stuffing queen. ACTUALLY, i recall someone at ru calling me the stuffing queen. how sick is that?! i got some MAD skillz, yo.

and i quote: "why can't this program come with a jackie?"

my supermodel dog

2005-06-28T22:55:00.000-04:00

macha & teddy (her best friend)

macha's love is one so powerful that it can turn anyone into a chihuahua lover.

south beach & work

2005-06-23T00:41:00.000-04:00

working really late works out great while dieting...

YOU DON'T HAVE A SECOND TO THINK ABOUT FOOD!!!

it apparently looks like i have lost weight already, according to my girlies.

GREAT!

:)

swipied out at 12:04 am and because we left so late, we SET OFF the alarm!!!

haaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

:)

fuckers.

oh, and marissa, i promise i will respond to your "tag" -- just not now.

because she's so cute

2005-06-22T08:26:00.000-04:00

i couldn't resist posting another one of her. :)

this bitch needs to start charging

2005-06-21T23:20:00.000-04:00

i was just asked if she could "model again" for a & e. i think it's high time she starts getting paid. so she can pay some rent.

agree?

i know she just put a smile on your face. how can you not smile, looking at that photo??

the south beach diet

2005-06-19T15:08:00.000-04:00

shamu needs to lose some weight. but don't worry, i'm not going for the anorexic look -- i just want to slim off some of that whale fat. i'm not going for what i looked like a year ago, because i probably looked like i was on crack. and the funny thing is, the reason i was so goddamn skinny is because the ex made me feel fat (all the time, really)!!! which is probably why soon after we broke up, heffer mama got fat for real. and i now embrace my fat ass. and my boobies grew slightly, too. :) so, that's why i want to remain a whale, but a slim whale.

so i've agreed to go on the south beach diet with 2 of my co-workers, starting tomorrow (and i can't believe that i'm actually allowing myself to diet, as i think it's obnoxious to diet). i don't have all that much confidence in myself that i'll actually make it, but i'm going to at least try. i'm such a foodie, i'll probably take my life because i won't be able to handle not eating (anything)!!! ugh. this is gonna be hard. but i realize as i get older, my metabolism just isn't what it used to be. i could eat healthy for a day and i'd lose weight. now, i have coffee and i gain 5 pounds.... or i so much as *think* about steak and i gain 15.

and mindi seems to think i'm gonna be a pain for the next 2 weeks. pain my ass. i'm such a *delight*...i don't know what she's talking about.

so anyway, here goes a journey of shamu does the south beach diet. it's probably going to be nothing but a bitch fest on my blog for the next two weeks.... (sounds REAL fun, right?)

and i think my break from homework is over now.

ciao ciao.

69 ooh la la

2005-06-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

it has been brought to my attention that #69 on my 'favorite things' list seemed as though i was trying to slyly be a skank ho (i PROMISE that was my twin sister you saw stripping at scores, that bitch. how dare she misrepresent me). while i DO enjoy the extremely pleasurable "69" (and i KNOW you do TOO, don't play the innocent game on me now!), that's NOT what i was referring to. #69 just represents all the fun ny summer things, such as (i feel compelled to list them):

trapeze school (i like to watch, not do)

movies on the piers

movies at bryant park

summerstage

boat basin cafe

biking (i know this is not restricted to summer, but it seems it's the only time i actually *do* it -- though i've yet to thus far)

people watching in the park(s) (again, not restricted to summer. BUT summer = more people outdoors)

street fairs (though i'm really kind of over them)

eating outside

kayaking on the hudson (i've never actually done it, for fear of my life. meaning -- if the kayak tips over, i'm fucked for life because that water will make me grow a third arm & i'll have green skin for the rest of my life & my armpits will stank like moldy cheese FOREVER)

my YUMMY coconut dominican ice stuff

and every other year, cirque du soleil (or is it every year? i feel like it's every other... ??)

and i know i'm missing/forgetting stuffies, but i'm just trying to prove my innocence!!!

:)

these are a few of my favorite things (a la 'sound of music')

2005-06-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

(in no particular order)

1. people watching (esp. with my ipod on -- it's a great way to get the full effect of body language)
2. driving with all the windows down
3. singing in the car (WITH THE WINDOWS UP)
4. shaking my ass to everything & anything
5. the sound of waves crashing when i'm in bed
6. coconut EVERYTHING
7. papaya from my mom's trees
8. mangoes (but NOT the gross mangoes here)
9. mountain apples
10. apple bananas
11. golden pineapple from maui (yes, there is a difference)
12. the smell of pikake
13. the smell of tuberose
14. the smell of gardenia
15. sitting up at tantalus and gazing down below (i've yet to find the ny equivalent, as there aren't exactly any mountains here and i don't live in a highrise)
16. jamaican beef patties
17. krispy kreme donuts
18. coffee
19. i feel kinda guilty for saying sewing, since i haven't done it in a really long time
20. working with leather -- omg...it sooo makes me *sweat* :)
21. macha's unconditional love
22. slippers
23. the smell of freshly cleaned laundry
24. eli's sourdough bread that i used to get at zabars
25. spanish olives from the zabars olive bar, but i haven't gotten them in a very long time
26. fairway really late at night/really early in the morning (no people)
27. blogging
28. being lazy occasionally
29. purple roses (i've just learned of this one)
30. buffing my feet in the sand
31. swimming
32. red velvet cupcakes from billy's bakery
33. kalua pig
34. momi ball drinks (but only when i'm in hawaii with my friends, driving to waikiki just to get the stupid thing)
35. san loco -- esp. their guaco loco
36. root beer (but not a&w)
37. dale & thomas popcorn (formerly known as popcorn, indiana)
38. hot chocolate in the winter
39. sex (and EVERYTHING involved)
40. my couch
41. olfa rotary cutters
42. my rotary punch tool
43. airtunes
44. jersey sheets
45. opakapaka (i don't know what the english name is of this fish)
46. ahi poke
47. lomi lomi salmon in poi
48. miso butterfish
49. sushi in ny (believe it or not, it's better than sushi in hawaii)
50. fruit n' yogurt parfaits before work
51. cetaphil
52. my scrubbie in the shower
53. my oral b toothbrush
54. everything alessi
55. mango a-go-go from jamba juice (but only in hawaii)
56. the smoothie place on waialae ave. (can't remember the name)
57. big nick's chicken caesar salad
58. my spinach salad from guy & gallard 5x a week and it sometimes comes with a heart on the lid if whatever-his-name-is makes my salad
59. blockhead's pulled chicken burrito
60. uncle lani's poi mochi balls
61. leonard's malasadas
62. butter mochi
63. snow (but not the day after or all the other days after, for that matter)
64. sledding (i never got to do it as a kid, so leave me alone)
65. snowtubing (same as above)
66. spring
67. fall
68. and yes, i do love summer, but it's hard to say that i *love* it in ny -- i *love* it in hawaii -- no stupid humidity...
69. okay fine, i'll admit it because there's a ton of fun things to do in ny in the summer (and this # represents just that)

i think it's impossible to actually list all my favorite things, as i haven't even gone into the obvious ones. so i think i'm gonna stop. put it this way, i'm probably the easiest fucking person to please because i like fucking everything and don't mind a lot. so there you have it. #70 - #(infinity): EVERYTHING.

"hawaiian walk"

2005-06-08T21:19:00.000-04:00

k: hey jackie, did i ever tell you that you have a hawaiian walk?

me: oh great. i know, i drag my feet, right? (in my defense, it's from wearing slippers, or what you people call "flip flops" my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE, every FUCKING damn day.)

k: no, it's like... [she demonstrates] you know, like your hips go from side to side. [enter her sound effects] (hip to the left) boom...(hip to the right) boom....(hip to the left) boom....

me: i....do??? oh...HA!

k: yeah, it's like this "island girl" walk. you know what i mean, right? all island girls have that walk for some reason. i don't know, it's weird. (she's from guam)

me: yeah, i know what you're talking about. [giggling]

the funny thing is, i've only recently realized that there IS such a walk. when i was at the airport waiting to board continental's direct flight to hawaii, i saw this mom & daughter team. i didn't even have to see what they looked like (hawaii people have a very distinctive look, usually). just from their walk, i could tell they were 110% fucking from hawaii. i don't know how to explain the walk, but there's DEFINITELY one. but several different ones.

there's the "tita" walk -- the big scary girls that walk like they're tough & rough (AND THEY ARE!!! SUPER SCARY!!!).

the "moke" walk -- the big scary boys that slap their feet on the ground and really overexaggerate the shoulder sway thing, while sticking their chests out like a girl with boobies would.

if you are none of the above (tita/moke), then you have the "lazy" walk (which is what i have) -- you drag your feet because those fucking slippahs weigh a fucking ton....

and now, thanks to k bringing it to my attention, there's the "island girl" walk -- which i'm not sure EXACTLY what it is, but somehow it involves swaying your hips.

so anyway, because of my recent (at the time) observation, i started to pay attention to how people walk in hawaii. i was definitely giggling to myself A LOT this trip, but not AT anyone, just at the plain & simple fact that there is a "walk."

i think in illustrator

2005-06-07T23:20:00.000-04:00

yes, you read right. i have finally crossed the border and am now officially insane. fuck me. so last night, as i was doing my homework, i erased a line that i drew and this is what went on in my head immediately after i erased it:

shit! COMMAND Z! COMMAND Z! UNDO! UNDO! FUCK (as in fuck, i wish i didn't erase it because i can't just do "redo," as i'm not actually drawing IN illustrator right now). [brain pause, processing what just happened] wait....FUCK!!!... i can't believe i just thought that. shit. oops.

yes, exactly.

not only am i shamu, but i am now loopy [enter the "crazy person" music here] shamu.

it's just getting worse & worse as i age. i'm sooo fucked. yeah, and how about that birthday coming up. good lord. can it not? can't i just be like my sister (BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT FOR ME SAYING THAT, please continue reading to find out why) -- how she can remain 5, even when she's "35?" can i be ..... well, i think i'm liking 26. so can't i just stay 26 forever? she (the devil incarnate/satan) somehow knows the trick....

hawaii picnic

2005-06-07T00:07:00.000-04:00

there's one thing that EVERYone from hawaii knows: that we know how to fucking EAT. all we care about is fucking grinding some ono ass grindz.* the 20th annual hawaii picnic in central park was held yesterday on a beautiful (but really fucking hot) sunny day. though, what i really took from yesterday, is that i think i've actually rid of my homesickness. i mean, of COURSE i'll ALWAYS be semi-homesick, but i wasn't exactly "sad," after all these reminders of what once was my home. don't get me wrong, hawaii will ALWAYS be a huge part of me, my life, and who i am but it's definitely not what i call "home" anymore. as much as i cherish & love all my mostly wonderful memories of my childhood & teenage years, i couldn't be happier ... period... (well, that's a lie. i would be happy if i actually finished my homework -- that i should get back to.)

anyway, mindi and emily (another hawaii chick) joined in on the fun (and later, her roommate, anna).

mindi, anna & emily listening to the hawaii jams

sorry, i was a bit late in getting a photo of all the food before shamu attacked

a beautiful day in central park with choke** hawaii peeps

hula dancers. i suppose that's how i learned how to shake my ass...

---------------

*grinding some ono ass grindz: eating (grinding) some yummy (ono) ass food (grindz)

**choke: a lot, plenty (or plenny/planny if you wanna say it the hawaii pidgin way), many (or much if you wanna say it the hawaii pidgin way -- one of the many things i had to learn when i first moved here -- that much doesn't always quite work in every sentence. yes, i know, i sound dumb now, but i promise you this is a very common thing. must i defend myself with another pidgin-to-english blog??)

the hamptons

2005-06-01T21:40:00.000-04:00

emily, charlie, macha & shamu

comments courtesy of the lovely hamptons women (and men): oh, well that's an interesting haircut... i've never seen that haircut before.... what kind of breed is he?

i suppose i shouldn't let them know that that is the ONLY doggie wardrobe....

wanna hear about my super productive day (too bad if you don't because i'm still gonna tell you anyway)???!!! :) i went swimming (20 laps) in the A.M., did homework-shopping, did laundry (blankets & ALL), cleaned (as in scrubbed shit clean, NOT tidy up), and now i'm going to do my homework. oh and hello -- blogged too, as that's like...the most important thing... :) i suppose being motivated & inspired helps to get shit done... shocker....

coney island

2005-05-31T22:46:00.000-04:00

and this is why coney island's the shit:

and um...this yuckiola guy has a GIRLFRIEND!!! HELLLLOOOOOOO??!!! who the fuck would let their boyfriend wear a fucking THONG? nonetheless -- don't you QUESTION his sexuality???!!!!!

sorry, that was too good to not start this posting without that coming up first...

anyway, here's our day:

laura, anna, emily, shamu & katherine (on our merry way to coney island)

$10 drinkies that pretty much had NO alcohol in them -- if i can't taste it, then there must not be any of it present...

the dog line

gross, icky boyfriend gave girlfriend a cowboy ride -- imaginary lasso & all -- i just wasn't quick enough to catch that moment... sorry.

anna & katherine make their debut in the 'coney island circus sideshow'

and to think just two days earlier i was in the hamptons with fabulously FAKE people... lovely... i have to ask permission if i can post pictures from that day from r first (if you're wondering why no photos from the hamptons are posted).

i heart meat

2005-05-26T23:14:00.000-04:00

how cute are these burgers?! they're so damn cute, they ALMOST made me not want to eat them. but who are you kidding? i'm shamu/porky pig/heffer/fat mama/hippo/garbage disposal/blahlah (i think that might be hawaii terminology -- means exactly what it sounds like -- a "blah" ...? actually, i don't think i actually *know* what it means)/president of fat girls club, etc....

my dog

2005-05-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

is the pickiest/snootiest/freaker-outer-if-mommy-isn't-around BITCH in the world, but goddamn, she is FUCKING CUTE!!!!!

and as i have witnessed this morning, even the cameraman (or woman...person) thinks she's the cutest EVER as well!!!! seeing as she was in 2 pre-commercial shots (or whatever you call them) AND she was the closure of a segment. :)

here's her shamu mommy with marissa & mindi (the only two that read my blog):

meet dumb

2005-05-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

dumb & dumber

dumb with sunglasses on with mindi trying to irk me with HER sunglasses on at prom (yes, i promise those photos are coming soon -- maybe tomorrow if i get shit done)

my hot co-workers (with dumb)

hee

marissa & fat whale a.k.a. dumber

you make me wanna hump you

2005-05-23T08:54:00.000-04:00

you're like dumb and dumber [when you dance], but it's awesome.

if i have someone to be dumb, and i (am permanently) dumber (i'm fucked, really), you sure as hell are gonna get EXACTLY that (and even if i don't, i'll still do it, but having a dumb makes it all the more funner!). let's be honest here, i can barely SPEAK without laughing -- how the hell do you think i'm gonna "dance?" not SERIOUSLY, that's for sure. i prefer laughter, thank you very much.

:)

E-E-W

2005-05-20T00:54:00.000-04:00

FDA warns airline food supplier over filth

and this is why i travel home (back to ny) with 50 pounds of food... icky, icky, poo....

and this is why i'm gonna pay her the big bucks...

2005-05-17T08:40:00.000-04:00

mindi volunteered her ever-so-talented writer boyfriend, tommy (formerly known as t), to write my press release as a prep for a big interview he has on wednesday & to help out her hopeless friend.

when asked by tommy about "how am i different," i respond:

me: uh.................i don't know. um........well.....doggie stuff's not really a new thing anymore. i know the other doggie wardrobes out there are just made out of presswood and are really crappy...... um....let's ask mindi when she gets here, she's good at that stuff. she's my life advisor and i'm her technology slash everything else advisor.

i later ask mindi the same question and she responds:

mindi: well, jackie's all about quality [interrupted]...

me: well, that's not really good enough to put in a press release.

mindi: she cares about her products. she makes sure that the lining is right for the dog, that they can breathe -- she doesn't line her bags in plastic or (i can't remember what else she said). she combines form with function. (i think she said more but...oops...well, you get the idea.)

me: YES! and THAT'S why you're here!!!

mindi: yeah, that's the only reason why i'm here.....and that's why you're gonna pay me the big bucks!

me: yep! that's right! because clearly i can't do it myself!!

---------

[to tommy]

me: well, if you have any questions, you can just email me and i'll try to get back to you asap.

mindi: or, you can just ask me.

me: yeah, because clearly you have better answers than i do, so yeah, just ask mindi.

ladies and gentlemen, the ever-so-fabulous mindi, the future president of my foundation & coo of my company:

(i would've put the picture up of her & tommy, but i have to ask her permission to do so.

find me a man. PRONTO!

2005-05-14T01:29:00.000-04:00

apparently, the following is written with a THICK sharpie on my forehead:

i am soooooooo incredibly desperate, SO desperate that i will make out with a fucking rock. for the love of god, please, please, please won't someone help me out?! (yeah, yeah, yeah -- i KNOW that all can't fit on my forehead. fuck off.)

this, i have learned by boris, mindi's doorman, who so eloquently put it:

boris: oh! hi! come here. [i walk over] i found someone for you.

me: what? you found someone for me?

boris: yes, he lives on the 5th floor. give me your cell number. he's very good looking.

me: what?! are you trying to set me up?

boris: he's very good looking!

me: well, he doesn't know what i look like!

boris: i tell him. i tell him that you're very good looking. give me your cell number.

me: uh......and what -- he's just gonna...call me? i don't think so. i don't think he'd appreciate you setting him up.

boris: no, come on, then you can come here all the time. i'll give him your number.

and out walks mindi. thank GOD! do i look desperate? apparently, i must... ????

hot n' steamy night!!!

2005-05-10T21:49:00.000-04:00

so this is t's email in response to my blog:

Hmmm....

Now isn't THAT a curious post! Are she and I thinking of the same "one wish?" Do YOU know what that "one wish" is, Min? Are you two just getting me all hot and bothered for no reason? Is this a set-up?

I don't appreciate being taken advantage of ..... well, okay, I do ...but at least follow through!!!

Forward THAT to Jackie. And tell her I dare BOTH of you to walk your talk.

-------

so....t.........you know, if you want your "one wish" to come true, at least be there for it... thesis shmesis... what the FUCK. well, feel sorry for YOU! you missed out!

hot damn, that was the greatest fucking night of my life...EVER! dude, my windows were all like...cloudy and shit -- and it's NOT because of the heater! and you chose not to witness it. oh well! tough shit for you. we did WALK OUR TALK and you're the one that chose fucking thesis shit over us, so phleeehhhh (sticking the tongue out like a little kid noise -- not sure how else to spell it out...).

oh, and um....don't be surprised if mindi is *suddenly* disinterested in you... once you go jackie, you never look back...

heh heh.

:)

addendum to my '99 things'

2005-05-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

1. if you make me feel bad/guilty enough, i'll submit.

2. and that's the reason why i'm doing an addendum for the 30 of the 99 that i bullshitted with.....

3. i was a dj at fit. i had an oldies show.

4. being an oldies geek is even better when you find out there's someone equally as oldies-geeky as you. i've only heard about her & our many similarities and then one day.....i FINALLY worked with her (at chuck e. cheese) and we've been friends since.

5. i was a kleptomaniac. even got arrested for it. and this is what my bratty ass said to my parents when i got picked up from the police station: "i only stole because you never buy me anything!" WOAH! FUCKING BRAT! yikes.

6. i'm so honest that it gets me into trouble.

7. my mom & my sister weren't talking for YEARS. i MADE them make-up. and now my sister gets jealous if i DARE mention that "mom called." so i keep the whole "mom talk" on the down-low.

8. my mom, it's safe to say, HATED the sister and it was really obvious growing up. this is probably why she is the way she is. but it's hard to feel sorry for someone that is an imbecile at 35 (going on 36).

9. i don't think i'll ever be rich because i would just spend all my money on my loved ones. i'm a very generous person -- probably too generous.

10. i'm the BEST secret keeper EVER!

11. i'm probably the biggest dork you'll ever meet.

12. the girls i work with use me to get stuff from other people in the office.

13. actually, everybody uses me, now that i think about it. but it's only because, you know, NOBODY can resist my...*charm*. hee hee. :)

14. my dog dribbles when she gets excited. and is VERY snobby/picky about who she decides to "like." and is the cutest chihuahua EVER!

15. i always say that "it's always been my plan to end up in california." but the thought of leaving ny is so incomprehensible, i wonder if i'll ever be ready to leave.

16. i have *many* food/drink weaknesses: caramel macchiato, krispy kreme, jamaican beef patties, emack & bolio's, beard papa's cream puffs, ALL hawaiian food(s), coconut rice (from ruby foo's), soy chai tea latte, yummy coconut ice stuff from those dominican ice carts on the l.e.s. and some other places (no, not the same as the italian ice carts), jack-in-the-box: curly fries w/buttermilk dressing, barq's root beer, stewart's root beer, CHEEEEEEEESE, san loco's guaco loco, ALLLLL sweets, and many, many more...

17. i wanted to be a food critic. actually, i still think it'd be the *coolest* job EVER. get paid to eat?! HELLO.......

18. i suppose that would mean i'd have to extend my vocabulary to include words that go beyond EVER and AWESOME and BEST and SUPER and FABULOUS and AND and UM. oh and i'd have to stop using FUCK. i should try that for a day. i bet you a million buckaroos i couldn't do it...

19. i make up words ALL the time.

20. i add -ie to EVERYTHING.

21. my dad *spoiled* me to no end.

22. i'm still spoiled, but i'm not a brat.

23. i'm a very appreciative person, all thanks to my mom and her drilling it in my head to say "thank you" for EVERYTHING.

24. i was an expert at tree-climbing. i was a bit of a monkey, i guess.

25. i have no shame. that's what the girls i went to high school with & i (10 of us) called ourselves ("no shame") for our "page" for our senior year yearbook.............

26. i over-exaggerate EVERYTHING.

27. i had a million crushes on a million boys in high school and only a few boyfriends. but the second they annoyed me (usually in a month's time or LESS), i dumped them. there wasn't anything there beyond the eye candy appeal...

28. i never used to go to school and was the "go to" girl for the "excused absence" passes.

29. the only drug i've EVER done was marijuana.

30. i've never smoked a cigarette in my life.

HAPPY NOW, BITCHES?!!! GEES.

in exchange for my dear friend's misconduct

2005-05-05T21:46:00.000-04:00

what if i finally let you have what you've always been dying for, t? wouldn't that be SO hot?! HOT enough to make you forget she ever did such a thing?!!!!

(can i just say...WHAT A GOOD FRIEND I AM......)

so maybe i'll repeat that right after you see that she forwarded me your email:

[t's email]

All right, now what's going on!

Just read Jackie's blog. Too many possible Alias secrets revealed.....can't take knowing....must resist asking too many questions....but.....but I don't know if I can....DAMMIT!

What's "Laura/Irina" mean? Does it mean what I think it does?

Just tell me that Jack hasn't softened up too much. Tell me he still kicks serious ass.

Min, you are NOT ALLOWED to watch Alias season 4. These are laws between us!

-------

REMEMBER t, i am granting you your ONE wish. DREAM come true. hear me? reading my words? got it?

that's enough to make you forget ALL of this, right?

and some cute pix of macha, too?

the alias obsession

2005-05-04T22:48:00.000-04:00

one of the MANY things i've failed to mention in my '99 things.' sorry.

ANYWAY.

watching alias.

cuts to commercial break (DAMN THE COMMERCIALS!!!).

phone rings, caller id tells me that it's MINDI.

me: OH...MY...GOD. ARE YOU WATCHING ALIAS????!!!!!!!!!!! (obvious because my phone rang the SECOND commercials came on.)

mindi: I WILL NOT CONFIRM, NOR DENY, THAT I'M WATCHING ALIAS, but IF i were, TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?!!! just don't tell t that i'm watching it (TOO LATE NOW!)!

me: I KNEW IT! DAMN YOU! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO!

she's giving me all these lame excuses of why she's watching it when she's SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL MY ASS BUYS SEASON 4 ON DVD, MISSY!!!!!!

i briefly fill her in and then we hang up because it's back on and we continue talking throughout every commercial break about what just happened & what's been going on with us.

[ring ring]

me: OMG! ARE YOU NOT BAWLING?!!! he was so in love with her (laura/irina)! and now sydney knows that he actually DID love her (sydney)!!!!

mindi: (the following is said with sarcasm) NO, i'm NOT crying, what are talking about?!

me: THANK GOD r's NOT here because i'm bawling! (though he probably already knows that i'm a loser if he caught me bawling during 'finding neverland' on the plane. and if he didn't, well, now he knows since i just gave myself up....)

mindi: I KNOW! I LOVE JACK BRISTOW!

hang up, call back, hang up, call back. catch up. life? life. good? good. work? PUKE. HATE. DIE. work.

and that, my friends, is how my evening went and now i have to do homework. bleh.

99 things

2005-05-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

mindi did 101 things, marissa did 100....i obviously have to follow what the only two people that read my blog do/did....

(and the prom blog is coming as soon as i gather all possible pix from it.)

99 things......

1. my middle name is hawaiian for heavenly flower.

2. i was/am a mistake child.

3. my dad wanted me to be a boy, named christopher.

4. my dad used to take me to work every summer and put me on the payroll to basically "keep him company."

5. my parents wanted me to be a pro golfer so that they could live off of me.

6. i've known my best friend, nicole, since we were 2.

7. i'm not sure how i'll handle raising kids (NOT that i'm having ANY any time soon!) without her living next door -- or even in the same state.

8. i'm extremely grateful for my childhood and wouldn't change a thing.

9. i've been working since i was 14 and had a gabillion jobs.

10. one of the funNEST was at subway, working with 7 of my high school friends.

11. i, for some odd reason, have brilliant friends -- not sure why they'd want to be friends with a dumbshit like me.

12. my dad's an electrician and my mom's a retired teacher -- and WHAT happened to me??

13. i HATED looking like other people and made SURE that i never did.

14. hating looking like other people meant that i actually cared about what i looked like.

15. because i hate looking like other people, as soon as i moved to ny, i stopped *caring* about what i look like.

16. i dress up when i have to, so don't worry.

17. i don't really give a fuck what people think.

18. everybody in hawaii does give a fuck what people think.

19. i had major culture shock when i first moved to ny.

20. i sometimes still suffer from it.

21. for many reasons, going to hawaii 2 months ago was probably the best fucking thing i did for myself. thank god for frequent flyer miles -- it allowed me to do a trip for $30 in less than 2 weeks.

22. my life revolves around food.

23. 99 things is fucking hard.

24. i could probably make you anything you've ever wanted, BUT don't ever expect it. you won't get it.

25. oh, except for food. i just eat it. don't make it. why bother. everyone else does such a fantastic job of making it, why should i?

26. as of yesterday, there is actually someone on my 'hate list.'

27. there hasn't been anyone on it since high school.

28. and high school 'hate list's' aren't vaild.

29. i'm stretching things to make 99.

30. if you're still reading this, you must be a) bored, b) marissa, or c) mindi.

31. i think i secretly can't stand it when people don't like me.

32. it's obviously not a secret anymore.

33. i know of one that HATES me.

34. i don't know how to say no, therefore, i've termed myself a "yes-er."

35. i swear a LOT and if you get offended by it, then you must really not know me.

36. i have a learning addiction.

37. i only have my a.a.s., in fashion design.

38. and fuck you, all you "you can't get a job without a degree" fuckfaces.

39. i've gotten myself several jobs post-college, degree-less & know many "degree holding people" that DON'T HAVE ONE! (and btw, do you KNOW how MANY famous fashion designers dropped the fuck out?!! just following their footsteps....... at least i finished the two years.....and i'm still going to school. i'll never stop. as long as i'm living in ny, my fat ass will be at fit.)

40. 'pretty in pink' is on tbs right now.

41. i am so blessed, i wish i were religious.

42. slow people annoy me.

43. for that reason, i haven't called to get a duplicate hawaii terror-on-wheels license yet. yes, i do suffer from road rage (but just like how i swear a lot, it's the same with my road rage, as in....NOT SERIOUS, just to entertain people in the car) -- just read #42 again.

44. for that same reason, i have ONE friend from fit (they all annoy me with their stupid questions that waste my time).

45. i actually don't have that many friends in ny & because it's so the opposite from when i was in hawaii, it took me a really long time to accept that -- i thought something was wrong with me for the longest time.

46. and now that i'm older and "wiser," i know now that i don't actually want/need that many of them & absolutely *adore* the ones that i have.

47. i used to have a backbone when i was younger.

48. now i let people walk all over me.

49. i can't believe i have to think of 50 more "things."

50. the sister is perpetually 5 (as in age).

51. i'm more afraid of success than i am of failure.

52. i wish i could chew people out like i could when i was younger.

53. with the exception of ONE thing, i was a DAMN good kid.

54. i never had a curfew.

55. i had parties ALL the time.

56. i miss my hawaii friends like they're body parts.

57. i wish i weren't so far from them.

58. i wish it were cheaper/faster to go to/from hawaii.

59. i'm the best "poster child" for ANYTHING i like.

60. i paid off my debt several years ago and now have more of it, thanks to my "business."

61. i promise my business will someday be the only job that i'll have.

62. but i won't promise when that'll actually happen.

63. i actually can be a bitch if you EVER cross me.

64. you don't want to see the "tita" jackie come out.

65. "tita" jackie has been dormant for a WHILE now.

66. don't necessarily need "tita" jackie to come out.

67. i got my lease renewal yesterday (for july 31st) and i'm not sure if i should renew it.

68. it's been requested of me to have another theme party.

69. it's gonna be for my birthday.

70. i'm looking forward to the hawaii picnic on june 5th.

71. people think i'm weird.

72. i think they're weird for thinking i'm weird.

73. i'd rather be weird than boring.

74. i know of lotsa boring people and i must say, i prefer weird.

75. this is really hard.

76. really hard.

77. are we there yet?

78. are we there yet?

79. are we there yet?

80. if you're still reading, you're either a) me checking for spelling errors, b) mindi, or c)marissa.

81. i'm getting old.

82. i can't believe i'm throwing a party for when i turn 27.

83. what's fun about that?!

84. i've never been to another country (besides canada).

85. but i've been to the west coast an UGABILLION times.

86. my excuse: geographic hazard.

87. when i was younger, i wished that my parents would get divorced and that i'd live with my dad.

88. my dad is the cutest man EVER!

89. except for his snoring. NOT cute, but endearing.

90. i hope they don't sell their house. i know it's not my decision, but they already broke my heart once before when they sold our beach house.

91. i still think of that house all the time.

92. i wish i could buy it back.

93. the new people that live in it put fucking CARPET in a fucking beach house. STUPID! what part of BEACH house do they not GET? BEACH house. BEACH house. BEACH = SAND.

94. 5 more.

95. i had my first kiss in first grade.

96. this is the year i graduated high school.

97. i stole my first ... ?? whatever when i was about 5.

98. it was a garfield notebook.

99. i suppose i should end this with something good............ummmmmmm.....i'm actually a bit more private than you think. think about it....look at the things that i mentioned.... i really didn't say that much.

:)

prom king & queen

2005-05-01T22:29:00.000-04:00

DUDE, is that NOT the DOPEST crown EVER or WHAT?!!!

i SWEAR i did not rig the fucking fish bowl. blog coming later. when i'm actually able to function properly. food coma. pass out. soon.

AWEsome 90's

2005-04-29T00:50:00.000-04:00

SERIOUS problem. my playlist is at 15:43:14, 220 songs (and i could soooooooooo cram in MORE!!!). FUCK. and i'm sooo NOT discriminating (with the exception of mariah carey & whitney houston) and i don't want to start, but i guess i'm forced to now. this is sooo HARD.

here's one of my MANY faves (that i HATED back then):

regulate

oh, the memories. good times. i won't *mention* what they are, as it's slightly embarassing what my friends & i did for *fun*...

and btw, '98 was a great fucking year for music (that's just what i'm noticing, is all).

tinnitus

2005-04-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

so........mindi came over to do......."work".......... and um...you know....listened to SWEET 90's music while doing.....her......"work"...... :)

ANYWAY, so while tone-deafly belting out all the sweet 90's tunes together (and i doing streamer-decor duty), i said to her, "NOW do you understand why i got tinnitus for 3 days? isn't it SO much FUN?!!!!"

and she giggle-smiled (the kind of smile that says yes, i do, i hate to admit, because i'd rather just think that you're my retarded friend) and said, "yes, it's so much FUN!"

:)

she even made me put on my outfit, head-to-toe (minus the aquanet-sprayed-SOLID "wave," blue eyeshadow & red lipstick), and LAUGHED hysterically at me. :) hee hee. (OH, you just WAIT until you see what SHE'S wearing.........)

anyway, read her blog about our freaky-eeky, weird-eerdy (?) SUPER-connected mindses:

if you don't believe in miracles, read this

my dog's a model

2005-04-25T16:19:00.000-04:00

i wonder what they went through to get her to do that...

she'll be on the "contact us" page for a store that's opening up this summer. maybe i'll make a portfolio for her so she can get some paying jobs and pay some rent!

crazy sexy cool

2005-04-21T22:37:00.000-04:00

(oh you bet your ass TLC will be pumpin' via my fab-o *new* airtunes at prom -- as soon as i exchange my kaput airport card)

faye: everyone thinks we're crazy, you know.

me: why, because of our pidgin?

faye: NO, they just think we're weetahded when we're together. i only get that way with YOU.

me: WHATEVER! MY pidgin only comes out when i'm with YOU! (the following is spoken with my "tita" accent) they just jealous cuz they no can understand us (and neither can you, after that sentence). AND because we have SO-OOOOO much fun!

faye: even paul...he said i get retarded when i'm with you. but, he likes it because nobody can make me laugh and i always laugh when i'm with you. so it's good.

me: that's right bitch! ha!

13

2005-04-17T22:49:00.000-04:00

take a wild guess what '13' means....and if you know me well enough to know that it's the simple things in life that give me extreme satisfaction/pleasure, you probably guessed right.

yes, the l&l record....

1st time at the register:

l&l girl: you're here everyday.

me: no, i'm not (in my high-pitched embarrassed voice). [pause] ooh! can i buy a l&l shirt? please? i really want one.

l&l manager: is this for you or your boyfriend?

me: for me, OF COURSE! [huge BEAMING smile]

l&l manager: well, for you, it's free.

me: really? yay! okay! i'll represent! [huge BEAMING smile]

he proceeds to run upstairs & brings me a shirt. well, i'm not gonna say "thanks for the free shirt, but i actually want that one." so i guess i'll ask for the other one the next time i'm there (friday).

2nd time at the register:

i have 4 cans of aloha maid (2 of which are for faye)

l&l girl: gee, you like those, huh?

me: yep, they're the BEST (this may come as a shocker to you, r, but i did NOT say EVER)! [huge BEAMING smile]

3rd time at the register:

2 cans of aloha maid in hands (i saw a different aloha maid drink that i didn't see before -- it was in a different row).

l&l girl: you must be thirsty.

me: i'm just the messenger (of course, in my high-pitched denial/embarrassed voice -- and besides, one of the fricken cans is for FAYE)!

l&l guy: you should tell your friends about us. here, take some menus.

me: OH, i don't need those. TRUST ME, i tell EVERYONE about you guys! i should do your pr!

3 of us were there for um....i wanna say about an hour and 45 minutes!!!! you'd think we were fine dining or something.... :) i heart l&l, even if it's KILLING my heart!!!

hee. :)

spending habits

2005-04-11T22:13:00.000-04:00

got the refund today. decided i'd buy meself an ipod with it. of course, i do this retarded justification in my head of why i'm going to get the ipod PHOTO. because, you know, i need it. really, i do. yeah. need it. well, it goes a little something like this: 4 gig ipod mini is $199; 20 gig is $299; so what's $50 bucks more -- might as well just go for the 30 gig ipod photo for $349. and THEN i go to the apple store for education, since, you know, i'm a "student" (for the rest of my life) -- now my 30 gig ipod photo (like how i'm already calling it my ipod photo) is $319. fabulous. made that decision easy. so now i want the cables to hook it up to the stereo so i can blow my eardrums out PERMANENTLY. those are $71. airport express with airtunes is $119. what's $48 more?? besides, i'm getting my ipod photo cheaper anyway...

and then i'll soon enough go through the digital camera decision -- since i'll have an ipod photo with NO photos IN it.......

so yes, this is what i go through ALL the time when it comes to purchasing decisions.......

because, you know, i'm like...rich....

p.s. my free engraving will read: i like to shake my ass. :)

polo shirts n' gel

2005-04-10T00:43:00.000-04:00

yuck. what the hell. fricken polo shirts and spiky-gelled hair up the ass tonite. some even with the collar turned up. and remind me how that's cool, please? i'm so not cool and don't know "what's up".... eew. puke puke puke.

anyway, this, my friends, is why i don't need alcohol to join in on the drunkerd action:

me: cute, your shirt.

cousin: yeah, i was doing some screenprinting so i pulled this one out.

me: oh! cool. so you screenprinted that?

cousin: .....huh?....no....why would i do that? what, you thought i put these flowers on here?

me: well, yeah, you said that you were screenprinting.

cousin: I SAID I WAS SPRING CLEANING!!

me: OH! HAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

cousin + 2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i mean, come on, they sure do sound the same..... say it to yourself:

spreen cleanting

see?

heh heh.

oh! AND i swear EVERY bar/restaurant/whatever i go to KNOWS that i'm having a 90's prom. SWEAR. they were playing 90's grunge at jake's. everyone just really wants me to have this prom and are all keeping the excitement within me alive. awwwwww yeeeeeeah. it's gonna be the fucking shit. maybe i'll actually *drink*, since the last time i really drank was in high school and this'll be pretty reminiscent of the ol' days...

huh? what? i didn't say anything. i don't know what you're talking about. drink? what? you're fucking lying. i would never say that i'll do that....

red velvet cake

2005-04-08T07:39:00.000-04:00

mindi's so mean:

actually, those aren't fat clothes

i can pork myself up just fine without your help, thank you very much. gees. in FACT, going to l&l for lunch today with emily!!!!! :) hee. one order of kalua pig + another inch to my fat ass, please. thank you!

:)

suicide

2005-04-08T00:29:00.000-04:00

and this is me trying to kill myself:

BIKE NEW YORK

i've always wanted to be "athletic"... even wanted to join the army just so i could go to boot camp and shape up (and then quit). ummmm.....YEAH.... well -- i *think* you have to work out to be athletic, right? i could be wrong, but i swear it involves all that huffing & puffing & stuffs (yes, i know, the -s) -- all that garb. oh well. obviously, just in my dreams. :)

anyway, so miss i'd-rather-die-than-make-myself-exert-any-sort-of-energy ACTUALLY did this bike tour. TWICE! granted, the first year took me SEVEN fucking painful ass-hurtin' hours, but the second year i improved tremendously to THREE hours!!! :) and the third -- well -- registered but it was "raining" that day... uh huh... yep... RAINING. RAINING. hard. yeah.

as much as i just absolutely LOVE that bike ride, i have prom the night before! so guess my fat ass can sit this one out. maybe next year.

:)

it's about fucking time

2005-04-07T08:12:00.000-04:00

NOW open??!!! more like FINALLY open! do you know how LONG ago they said that location was gonna open???!!! FUCKING DECEMBER!!!!! bitches! if only i wasn't such a fucking porker..... so yes, this means that i will INDEED be blogging about my l&l record that will someday be in the guinness.... time to round up the troops!!!! :)

heartburn here i come!!!!! with open arms!!!!

:)

i wonder if they deliver to 33rd & 5th.........

whorecake

2005-04-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

OMG. i canNOT believe that girl went to work dressed like that!!! why doesn't she just write "come on over and fuck me" on her forehead??? i mean, um....so NOT appropriate for work... dead-center view of cleavage (viewable through the holey lace), NOT nude bra hanging out....... god that girl must be a SLUT! wtf was she thinking????

but i swear she's not a slut!!!! that's me! oops. it's called distracted by one-too-many things this morning and i was totally NOT aware of how i was dressing myself (hmmm....perhaps blogging at 745 am might be the problem??? maybe? just a thought). can you believe i went to work like that??!!!! seriously. if the nipple-showing-through-my-shirt wasn't enough to make people think i'm a slutbag, well then, they surely think i'm a ho now... HA! and to make matters worse, all the girls at work keep teasing me about all my "boyfriends"... fuckers. not my fault they talk to me. maybe it's just because i'm a *nice* person........ all it really is is the new-girl-at-school thing... as soon as another new girl starts, they'll forget about me entirely. and i'll fade into non-existence.

anyway, again, another day where the sweater stayed on allll damn day... i have got to start caring about what i look like!!!! gees. maybe i need to go to charm school.

k.i.t. 4eva!

2005-04-06T07:45:00.000-04:00

did you ever sign that in your yearbooks?? okay, maybe not the 4eva part with the "k.i.t." but..... i definitely have. not that this should come as a *surprise* to you, but if i don't say so myself, i think i've done an EXCELLENT job in k.i.t.-ing. since blahing was always my favorite pastime, this is a pretty easy thing for me.

well, i've recently fallen off that boat (along with a lot of other boats) and was a k.i.t. sinner with my friend vikki. i saw her for all of 20 minutes when i was in hawaii at the mai tai bar. not that y'all know what that indicates or anything, but put it this way -- we had to shout the whole time & were hot n' sweaty & cramped & my i-don't-know-how-to-shake-it-to-hawaiian-music was forced to look like an idiot (yeah yeah yeah, i know i could've just NOT shaked my ass...but it's really hard not to -- it's kind of like i'm bernie in 'weekend at bernie's' or those dolls that start jigglin' & wigglin' when music comes on -- that's ME)!!!! never got together because time really just....FLIES.... and i dropped off the face of the earth for a little while there.

so i am directing her to my blog today so that she can get updated and i don't have to write her a novel (like i USUALLY do) and then just fill-in-the-blanks for the stuff that i actually DON'T blah about. i know, shocking isn't it -- that it's humanly possible for me to withhold information??!!! ???!!!!! ?????!!!!!!!!!!!......... ???

so...yeah...hi vik. just read and you'll quickly be caught up on what my m.i.a. ass has been up to. and i promise i'll write you later tonight or tomorrow (i know i already said that a few days ago but i PROMISE i will! PROMISE!). :)

p.s. i just looked in my senior yearbook for those infamous "k.i.t.'s" & "4eva's" and found none... must mean that i actually developed real relationships with people by that point (you'd hope so, right?!). maybe in like...my intermediate yearbooks. those are in my closet in hawaii. oh well.. anyhow, i KNOW i was a "k.i.t.-er".... :p

in the name of china

2005-04-05T21:12:00.000-04:00

i will NEVER give my now EX-contractor any more of my money!!! the winner of my debt (that i'll have for the rest of my lame existence of a life) is: all those little kids in china!!!! fuck they're fucking the SHIT! i just got a bad ass bag back from my ex-boss-slash-teacher-slash-future-business-partner tonight and OMG. first of all, the fricken thing looks AMAZING. and it'll end up costing me only a THIRD of what my fucking bags cost me NOW!!!!!! put it this way.....the crappy/lazy "made in new york/U.S. of fucking A." (which means absolutely NOTHING) contractor's bags costs me $90 (labor + materials) each. now this DOESN'T include the dies -- which are basically cookie cutters for the leather (you didn't actually think people cut that shit out with their hands, did you?). so um.... hmmm.... probably looking at $110 a piece. my e-b-s-t-s-f-b-p (we'll just call him blah for short) said this bad ass bag will cost out at about $26 - 30. of course, this doesn't include customs crap & shit but still... it sure as hell included the $2 - 4 for labor (crazy, right? and now you see why i want to support those *wonderful* kids!) and the rest was materials... fricken thing looks better than the ones i have and it's only the first sample. blah behind me will make this thing/my "business" the fucking shit! i mean, i got fired. so what do i know.... :p

so sporting this bag. fucker. if only i could sport it to work. crap. well, i'll part-time sport it. :)

sorry mindi, did i excite you by making you think i'll finally be a "girl" and carry a ...."purse/bag".....?? sorry.... almost... maybe next time... :) or....never...... don't you remember what happened the last time? and that was just my fucking wristlet! see! i'm totally incapable of "carrying" stuff......... there's a reason i go through a gajillion umbrellas. there's a reason i no longer have those 3 or 4 ru umbrellas (although i do miss those -- wanna grab one for me??).

oops, maybe that should've been a personal email to mindi. see, this is what happens when i can't email alllll fucking damn day!!!! maybe my wpm will decrease now that i can't "practice typing" all day anymore......

fuckin awesome

2005-04-02T08:40:00.000-05:00

i just read the most fucking awesome shit on a blog. (yes, at 8 fucking 40 in the morning on a bitch of rainy saturday -- my friend sleptover & she had to get back to jersey so she could get to work on time. meaning -- she woke up SUPER early. left at like 7 am and the rain sorta woke me up, too.)

N-E-WAY. sorry. (blah blah blah again, what's new...) i found the funniest shit. '50 things you MAY not have known about living hawaii kine shit.' FUN-E. i've told the author that i just might have to copy him. :p although, i don't think mines (yes that added -s is a hawaii thing, not jackie-is-stupid AND just be happy i didn't say minesES) will be as funny. i'll link to it later when i'm a little more um......awake??

rejection.com

2005-04-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

another great one from metro. apparently all you have to do is give stop-talking-to-me-you-fuck from the bar the following:

anything@papernapkin.net or anything@paamail.com

and supposedly they get a rejection letter emailed back to them.

i wanna try it. fun.

www.papernapkin.net

the worst of craigslist

2005-04-01T17:46:00.000-05:00

i just read the best fucking thing in today's metro paper:

'the worst of craigslist'

WANTED... Females ready for dissapointment

Not that I want to dissapoint, but I don't aim to please. And it's not that I don't want to have exhilarating or meaningful relationships. I just don't want to try. And I just don't want to profess to be looking for anything in particular. I don't want to say that I'm looking for laughs and good times because sometimes I don't want to laugh and I don't want to be ashamed when I am not laughing at something. I also don't like to say I'm looking for sex or romance...because those things are so trite. I'm not willing to admit that I want anything in particular and hope to find people who feel same.

is that not the best shit EVER or what??!!! omg. i just realized it even made me be un-lazy and capitalize!!!! WOAH. fucking shit. crazy stuff. CRAZY! outta control.

nostalgia

2005-03-29T22:47:00.000-05:00

:)

who would've known that my ass would VOLUNTARILY listen to ka'au crater boys alone in my apartment when i'm 26. seriously. no, not FORCED to listen to them by the hawaii radio that only knows how to play the same fucking songs over and OVER -- not IN hawaii. no, not forced to listen because my mom is listening to them while she's watering the plants or doing laundry. and not even forced because maybe lani wants to listen to some local music -- she's NOT here.

i am 5,000 miles away from what used to be my home and jammin' it to HAWAIIAN music! holy shit. if ONLY certain people could read this. they would TRIP the fuck out -- fall to the ground even. just like i am (the tripping out part). it's like.....WHAAAA?????? jackie? jackie? the girl who'd never be caught DEAD listening to hawaiian music?????? and sooo NOT "local"???!!!!!! all of a sudden i'm embracing my "roots" i guess.... ?? my dad would be soooo *proud*...

anyway, it's just incredibly ironic that i am fucking listening to them. AND i bought kotch when i was home too. :p he he. nostalgia's fucking great...

oh, here's a clip to um... what i'm listening to. yes, you can laugh. it's okay. i laugh at myself (all the time, really) everytime i listen to it!!!! and also, remember 'heathcliff?' well, try to remember the theme song.... and then listen to 'surf'.... yeah......

surf

stupid fucking new obsession of mine.....

2005-03-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

fucker! i'm having waaaaaaay too much fun downloading 90's music..... soooooo much fun that i have wreaked havoc on my poor little earsies!!! bitch! yep. woke up yesterday with a "murmur" in my ear -- i don't know how else to explain it... well, after some research, turns out i *think* i have tinnitus.

tinnitus is often the result of damage to the nerves in the inner ear caused by prolonged exposure to loud noise.

oops. ummmmm.... perhaps this is also an indication of me getting o-l-d, as it's not like i haven't had "prolonged exposure to loud noise" before... for crying out loud. fuck me. so i'm hoping this shit will go the fuck away real soon. fucker.

stupid new obsession. stupid nostalgia. damn the fun 90's music. all because i want to have prom. well -- at least it's gonna be the funnest prom EVER! :) SO much fun. i can hardly wait.

i fire myself

2005-03-27T22:18:00.000-05:00

i'm obviously not doing a good job of "photographing all atrocities that come my way".... sorry. so here's a few:

WHAT is that???!!!! not quite sure what to make of it. plus there's a lime green scrunchie present............. someone please explain...

sorry if this one's boring but it was 48 degrees today. don't really think it's "open toe weather"... ??? NO.

and this lame-o "macho" man...um.... it was 45 that day. NOTICE your daughter wearing a jacket? that man/woman (??) to the left of you wearing a coat? no? i do.

while i'm posting pictures, i might as well do the rest:

the temporary cube didn't quite make it....

BEST taco place EVER! highly recommend the guaco loco!!!!!!!!!!! :) good stuff. :)

oh poor devil incarnate

2005-03-24T19:20:00.000-05:00

fucking bitch.

bitch bitch bitch.

so the devil incarnate was finishing up her vacay in hawaii just as i was starting mine -- an overlap of 2 days, which is why i stayed with nicole in the beginning. her friend (that she's living with) stayed at my parent's house. well, my nice & normal sister will be going to hawaii in june with her friend but my mom insisted that he get a hotel. so i say to her:

me: why not? you let jen's friend stay with you guys...

mom: well, that's different. her friend is such a nice person (yeah, and apparently my sister's friend is not), he's letting her stay with him RENT FREE.

me thoughts in head: what the fuck! and WHY can't she get her own fucking apartment after NOT PAYING ANY RENT FOR FOUR FUCKING YEARS PLUS $20K IN THE BANK????!!! FUCK IF I KNOW!!!! FUCKER!

but i actually say: oh.

same shit, different story:

me: so did [devil incarnate/satan/bitch/cunt/5-year old] find a place yet?

mom: no. her friend steve has a loft and he sleeps upstairs and she sleeps downstairs in his living room. [MUCH EMPATHY ON] what choice does she have?

me wishing i could/would say the following: it's called she's THIRTY FUCKING FIVE YEARS OLD -- ABOUT TO BE 36??!!! i don't know?? maybe she should GROW THE FUCK UP AND YOU SHOULD STOP BABYING HER SO SHE CAN GROW UP?????!!! HMMMMMM???? YA THINK???? OH! let's compare! fun game. super awesome 35-year old cousin OWNS her own condo, has a VERY good job, and has FRIENDS. super awesome 35-year old that i got my apartment from is fucking BRILLIANT, has an incredibly intelligent daughter, is making an EXCELLENT living in hawaii (this is not as easily achievable as you would think), and is just an amazing person.

but i actually say: oh.

and why i can't ever say what i really want to say is beyond me (this isn't the first OR last time). this is why i think i need to enroll my so-not-shy-99%-of-the-time ass in some sorta speechie/public speaking class.... bleh. nah. no like. no need. i doing just fine. :)

trust and you get fucked

2005-03-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

went to favorite bar last night. played foosball. know almost everyone at favorite bar. ALWAYS leave personal items hanging on hooks at favorite bar -- NEVER had a problem.

well, there was one last night. my dumb-overly-trusting-ass got my shit stolen last night. and in the end, it's just me to blame. damn me for thinking there's good in EVERYone. for being so damn trusting. damn me for being so...STUPID! i mean, really, how stupid can one be??!!!!!!! fucking a.

well, fortunately for me, i decided to empty out my little wristlet a bit a couple of days ago so my wristlet wouldn't look too ridiculous while on my date (a fun/good one, i might add). so the ol' amex wasn't in there. BUT there was my hawaii driver's license -- which...fuck if i know how i'm going to get that one back, seeing as i can't go on vacay for a year... along with my debit and my BRAND SPANKING NEW MONTHLY metrocard!!!! I JUST bought it YESTERDAY!!!! FUCKOLA!!!!!!!!

my superly duperly awesome cousin went to the atm and gave me $100 and her metrocard -- something the devil incarnate would never do... can't they just trade places???!!!!! (just found out some new dirt on devil incarnate -- so blogging about it later.)

funny thing is, i grabbed my old wallet this morning and lo and behold...found my fucking social security card that i thought was lost FOREVER! AND the weird one:

so on friday at my very new job on my very first day, i saw this girl i knew from school and she was there for an interview! so we chatted a bit and i thought to myself, i hope i still have her email somewhere, as i'd like to reconnect/ask how her interview went.

well........her fucking email address was just sitting pretty in my wallet that i haven't touched in hmmm......say......2 years??!!!! or more!!!!!

so it turns out it wasn't so bad after all. next time (but there won't be a next) i should listen to my intuition!!! i looked back at said wristlet (apparently for the last time) and thought, i should grab it. but no, i went against it (intuition) and left my wristlet there, all alone. probably dying a slow death in the stinky, smelly new york city trash somewhere now. having a sad, miserable, pitiful life. pissed at me for being so STUPID!

piss-y girl

2005-03-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to build up my tolerance for liquids -- FUN times............... i don't drink enough water and have been criticized by ENOUGH people to know that i should do something about it.

WELL!!! the reason i DON'T drink a well of water a day is because my loser fucking body can't hold any of it in!!!! i piss like a million times a day. SERIOUSLY. i know i can't get that 8 fucking glasses in my body everyday so i'm trying to be a little better by buying that fricken 1.5 liter bottle in the morning and hope that i can finish it by the time i go to bed.

motherbitch. do i piss a LOT. i mean, i thought it was a problem before but lordie lord. i'm sure my co-workers think i have a disease! i swear my ass walks to that cramped, icky bathroom like every 10 minutes. bejeezus!!!!

"you need to build up your tolerance, jackie. you need to drink more water."

BLAH BLAH BLAH. fuck me for listening. fucking shit. stupid water. stupid crappy bladder system of mine. what for? doesn't work, obviously. the thing is broken. all is do is piss piss piss. piss. and piss. and piss piss. and pissa pissa piss.

piss.

going to play foosball now. :)

need your help

2005-03-19T01:35:00.000-05:00

BEST party idea EVER! it is:

PROM '05

now i need your help with the theme song. cheeseola songs need apply only. seriously.

it's gonna be the best.....night.....EVER! right down to booty prom music (well, i need help in getting some of that), tacky prom dresses and ALL. my peoples will get their prom photo(s) emailed to them (and they'll obviously be posted on my blog). if you've never been to your prom, now's your chance to make up for it!

shooting for end of april.

who's coming?

and i need a date. who's gonna be my victim? in the past, all who have attended any sort of "function" with me have been completely ABANDONED. except for...hmm.....maybe 3 dates -- out of 11. but i promise you, future date, you will be my [prom] king of the night! :)

oof

2005-03-18T08:16:00.000-05:00

ha! i was showing stacy around my blog the other day and said:

me: oh! you have to see this one. [direct her to it]

stacy: oof. they have a painting of that?

me: [why is she not laughing?] yeah. wait, you don't think that's funny? they have oof!

stacy: why, do they not call it oof there?

me: HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for real, you thought that was a real word?

stacy: [laughing] yeah!

me: omg. i HAVE to tell lani. so funny.

so you see folks, it's not just me. i knew that one.... that doesn't say much but...

oh and just in case you've never seen that blog, oof = sexual intercourse (yes, please!)

30 second interview

2005-03-17T16:23:00.000-05:00

THIRTY seconds. yes, as in HALF a minute. that's how long my job interview was today. remember how i said that my teacher (slash everything) sent my resume to someone? well, i went on that interview today. before i went in, i decided that i was gonna be completely honest about my abilities, as it has just recently been brought to my attention that the reason i've never tried for a fashion job is because i'm deathly afraid of the interviewing process. why? because you have to be able to fucking draw. i've been sewing for 16 years and know how to do EVERYTHING BUT very well.

so i said to myself: self, just be honest -- if you lie to them about your abilities, you'll just be fucking yourself in the ass if you get hired. if they don't like what you have for them, so be it. it's not like you'll need this job for gratification, as you have your business that you refuse to run.

btw -- i had to run and buy a suit 45 minutes before i had to leave for the interview!! i forgot that mindi had/has the bottom half of my suit (the other one currently doesn't fit and the other other one was given to goodwill when i quit ru and the 2 that i made aren't "interview appropriate" and the other other other one -- i just don't like it). oops.

let me set the scenario for you: interviewer is chowing on a turkey on white sandwich (but mad because it was supposed to be rye) and says:

dude: okay, show me what you got. [chew, chew, chew]

me: um. do you even have my resume?

dude: um, no, i don't think so. i've never seen it.

i take it out and he doesn't even LOOK at it. instead, he continues to eat his turkey on white.

me: okay. well, i'm just gonna be honest. i'm not a good drawer.. [interrupted]

dude: what? but that's what we need!

me: i know, but i just have to be honest with you because i don't want to get myself into trouble. BUT i can make it all come to life, i'm VERY good at that. [show him some pictures -- he doesn't even look, btw]

dude: i don't need that, we have factories. [pause] well, you'd basically be going back and forth between design and production. would you be interested in putting together production packets?

me: yeah.

dude: would you want to be a design assistant for x dollars?

me: yeah (thinking he's fucking joking).

dude: okay, you're hired!

me: [retardedly SHOCKED look on face] huh? are you serious?

dude: yeah!

me: oh. okay! fabulous!

so he introduces me to a few people and tells them that they're gonna have to train me how to do EVERYTHING (including drawing & illustrator). ?? weird. thought they want people that CAN do EVERYTHING... ??

and i start tomorrow.

you see, honesty is totally the best fucking policy EVER!

:)

looks like i owe the ol' teach a big fat thanks AGAIN.

and this time, i WON'T be emailing... :p

your tits are bigger than mine!

2005-03-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

(re-posting because i re-read and realized that it sounded like i was calling will fat -- he is just SUPER BUFF. oops. my bad. apologies.)

that's what i said to my friend will. imagine how much i made his ego inflate when i kept repeating/doing the following:

(pardon the bad english/hawaii pidgin)

me: ho* will, i think your tits are bigger than mine! [i grab both of them with my hands] yup, they are. shit. teach me how to get bigger boobs. i want bigger boobs. [my eyes roam about his body] ho, you so big will. i think you got huger.

(will is sheepishly smiling the whole time)

will: no i didn't. i'm the same size i was since the last time you saw me.

me: NO you are not. [MUCH emphasis on the following] you're waaay HUGER. what size you, triple x?

will: no, i'm a medium.

me: medium my ASS!

the next night when we were all out, i again pretty much repeated the boobs conversation up there but this time, i pulled his shirt tight to show the boobie definition and then compared my [lack of] boobs with his (side-by-side) and said:

me: yep, they're definitely bigger. so jealous. what the fuck, you fucka.

and then i demonstrated to everyone we were with and said:

me (non-boobie girl with fucked up tan ON boobies): ho, try look, will's boobs are bigger than mine, yeah?

everyone just laughs and pretty much agrees... :p

------------------

*ho: japanese pidgin exclamation used before any very emotional statement

(too bad swimming doesn't help boobies grow, because i finally got my fat lazy ass to go this morning!!! :) 20 laps baby!!! awww yeeeaaahhh.)

a few of my favorite things

2005-03-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

bliss

a malasada is the equivalent to a krispy kreme -- devilishly bad and good at the same time

apple bananas!!!! :) it took 3 of us to saw that shit off...

i've dissapointed someone

2005-03-15T10:49:00.000-05:00

super ex tells me yesterday, "of all my friends, josh is the one that's dissapointed in you the most." (that's actually pretty shocking if you knew josh.)

me: REALLY? oh. weird.

super ex: he asked about your business and i told him that you put it on hold and he said:

[their conversation]

josh: what the fuck, is she stupid? she had all that momentum going and now she has to start all over again.

super ex: yeah, i know, she never listened to me for 5 years, so whatever.

josh: well, why'd she stop?

(here comes the funny part)

super ex: for a job.

josh: well is she still working there?

super ex: no. (ha! ha hahahahahahaha yes, no i am not because i am a fucking moron)

josh: well then....

so josh (and all my other super supportive friends), i say to you, i am trying my damnedest to get back on my feet. i have done more yesterday than i have in MONTHS for my business. i am still one scared fuck but fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. i'd rather fail by trying than by sleeping it away. so the end is NOT here yet, just a little..........??........um.....????? okay, not even going to bother with trying to come up with something clever. i'm too old to be a dumbshit anymore. i at least recognize that one of my faults is that i can be one lazy fuck and i'm trying to change that. (and i think i'm doing well so far -- i went swimming again this morning!!!)

it pays to be nice

2005-03-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

and this is the reward i get for being a nice, decent person.

i got this email from my ex boss (that FIRED me)/teacher/what not:

HI JAckie

I just gave your resume to a friend , her name is Ivette, let me know
how it turns out.

clearly people believe in me -- if only i could carry that same belief that everyone has for me in myself... !!!!

my cousin, who is a senior designer for a fashion company, ALWAYS calls ME for portfolio advice when she's preparing for job interviews. being a senior designer, you wouldn't think she'd even bother to ask her scatterbrainola/retarded/good-for-nothing/lolo* cousin that's worked in the fashion industry for a MONTH before she got fired for EMAILING...

i think it's gonna take a miracle for me to start believing in myself. thank god there's everyone else. so thank you, all my fantabulous lovelies -- clearly i'd be in the gutter if it weren't for you all. :)

----------------

*lolo: stupid

psycho ex-fucking-boyfriends

2005-03-13T11:20:00.000-05:00

do you have one? i pity you if you do.

nothing worse than being out and your friend's trip is totally killed because the stupid ex ruins it for her... i am so fortunate to not have a psycho ex but a super good friend instead. s said to me, "why can't [doucheball] be more like [super ex]?" i respond, "yeah, i know, [super ex] is a good ex."

and for those of you that don't know me, stop your roaming thoughts right there. WE DO NOT WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER. just because we work as friends, it does NOT in ANY way mean that we work as "lovers." (even the thought of it actually repulses me.) of course he'll always be special to me, how can he not -- we were together for 4.5 years, even if it was 2.5 over what it should've been.

not that my friends aren't supportive of me, but he is probably the most supportive in regards to my business. he promotes the fucking thing more than i do. he talks to strangers about it. he even promotes it when he's out traveling somewhere. probably believes in me more than i actually do, quite honestly.

but that doesn't mean that he should be my boyfriend. we sooo don't work that way. AT ALL.

i just felt he deserved some props on my blog because he is a great guy (just not the great guy for me). i would in a second introduce him to a new boyfriend, that's how much of a concern/threat he is NOT. and actually, he probably knows exactly what i need more than i do! ha! so he would probably evaluate and tell me yay or nay. and i would probably do the same with a new girlfriend for him, too. that would be fun, actually. :) i do hope i get to meet the eventual new gf.

porky pig

2005-03-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

yours truly is TRULY a porker. truly. i had to switch out my little suitcase for my mom's big suitcase so that i could fit ALL MY FOOD.... :) i swear to god i probably brought back at least $300 worth of food home with me -- probably closer to $400, to be honest. (and if the suitcase weight limit didn't go down to 50 pounds from 75, i would've brought back MORE. and btw, 50 pounds is such a bullshit weight limit -- you can BARELY pack anything for 50 pounds, don't you agree?) i had so much food that i almost had to mail my clothes home. can't help it if i love good food. i mean, is that such a bad thing? i don't think so. :)

although it wasn't all that much fun to pull my 62.5 and 50.5 pound suitcases full of food up the stairs, even if it was only one flight... BUT...i came to the conclusion that it was a good thing that my name was on the "government security watch list" because it provided as a distraction for my overweight suitcase. :)

here's a conversation i had at the airport:

woman: what time is it?

me: 9:23 [p.m.]

woman: one hour left. do you go to church?

me: no.

woman: you should go to church. i go to church. i'm christian. you should start. go to church this sunday.

me: [freaked out smile] yeah....

saved by a phone call from my sister.

accountant revisted

2005-03-10T15:04:00.000-05:00

so i finally did it, i called my accountant. and just like i predicted she would, she yelled at me (in a nice way). in fact, this is how the phone call went:

accountant: jackie, can i start by yelling at you?

me: um. yeah, i know, i told you you would. of course you can.

accountant: you sure?

me: yes...

accountant: okay good. [yelling]

well, she's got some nice yelling, if that's what she calls "yelling"...

though i did get a compliment. :) she and a colleague complimented me on how organized i am. so at least there's that, right? :) i'm not such a nightmare after all.

anyway, THANK GOD accountants exist. i mean, what would we do without them? i didn't think i'd get anything back and i wrote in my letter to her, "do whatever you can so that i don't get audited." so she told me, "we don't want you to get audited and i see that you obviously know that you could. we're going to get you back everything without getting audited." FABULOUS! LOVE her.

and guess what, they'll (my returns) be waiting for me when i get back to sign at the x and mail away and all before april 15th. :)

wanna know something sick though? after tabulating all of my receipts (it took me about 2 whole days) for 2004, i found that i spent 3x as much as i made (rent & utilities included)!!!

the simple life

2005-03-09T15:14:00.000-05:00

i wish i could be content with a life like this: live on the north shore of oahu, go to the beach everyday, and hang out with friends at night. goddamn these pipe dreams of mine. i mean, they probably really are pipe dreams. i'm starting to lose faith in my abilities. why can't it just be easy where i could move back to hawaii and work with my friend nicole and make choke* bank, live on the north shore and simply "take it easy?"

i'm really just a scared little girl inside. i'm afraid to piss of my contractor, so i let him push me to the side. i'm afraid to call stores, so i don't. i'm so ridiculously afraid of rejection, which is probably why i'm not giving my 100%. or maybe i am? maybe i'm capped out and this is as good as it gets.

like marissa, i too, believe that everything happens for a reason. what that reason is for what's happening to me right now, i obviously will not find out until later but...FUCK!!! hurry up and let me know for crying out loud.

because honestly, that option up there sounds a lot better than what's going on right now so if i don't see the reasoning for what's been happening soon...

anyway, can we say pity-party-for-jackie? gees. i sound so pathetic. i hope you're not still reading this.....

--------------------

*choke: plenty; a lot. not sure if "choke bank" is pidgin, i know "choke" is. well, if it is: A LOT of money.

tub bath

2005-03-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

to everyone but the people of the 50th state, that sounds retarded, right? well. i was just recently teased by two people just by the mention of wanting to take a "tub bath." and i explained that hawaii peopolos use the word "bath" for shower and "tub bath" when they're taking a "tub" bath. make sense?

well. i'm soooo happy that i heard my mom say this, especially since she's a retired teacher:

"i'm so tired that i think i'm going to take a tub bath."

HA! so you see people, i am NOT dumb. it's just.......hawaii people have their own retarded language -- that's actually true and if you've been reading my blog, you'd know that.

:p

spreading my illness on the plane

2005-03-04T13:40:00.000-05:00

they have maui tacos at newark airport...a bit scary

i don't know if i could trust...the last time i went to maui tacos in ny, i had their fish tacos and oh...let me just say that they ARE NOT THE SAME. i think i actually felt sick after...i'd rather not know what kind of fish they use...

empty plane...how sad that there is no one traveling to hawaii -- they DEPEND on tourism....

rafts are the best EVER!!!!!!!!!!

how do you know that you want to become a coconut tree trimmer (dude had to literally climb the tree) "when you grow up?"

apple bananas (obviously not ripe yet)

it took me awhile to be able to eat regular bananas, as i never really did until i moved to ny. and i wouldn't even finish them at first for a LONG time because they suck so much in comparison to apple bananas. these are seriously the BEST bananers EVER.

i'm a terrorist

2005-03-02T12:51:00.000-05:00

my name was on the government security watch list... because i'm so scary, right?!

airborne

2005-03-02T08:57:00.000-05:00

just like i am the only one that could lactate from birth control, i am probably also the only one that pukes 30 hours after taking airborne. took it because my frequent flyer friend said he uses it all the time and swears by it. i'm sure a lot of people do...but no, i'm the only loser that pukes her fucking guts out from it.

how do i know it was the airborne i puked out after 30 hours you ask? because it looked AND tasted like it.

awwww yeeeeaaahhhhh

2005-03-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

just checked the weather. 81 degrees is the high every single fucking day!!!! :) AND NO rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i gonna be one dark ass biatch when i get back. :p

soooo not gonna miss this:

this is from my apt. window (sorry it's blurry -- camera phone & it was at night)

but i will miss:

it will be my mission to find a bar with a foosball table, but i honestly don't think i will succeed

dogsitting

2005-03-01T14:05:00.000-05:00

there's no one else that i'd rather have watch her
(those are mindi's hands)

update: mindi just blogged about the same EXACT thing! :)

everything's gonna be alright

2005-02-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

well, thanks to snow, class was cancelled at the last minute. BUT i at least talked to x on the phone and i now realize that there's absolutely NOTHING to be afraid of. after some small talk, he says:

"well, have a nice time and we will catch up when you get back because i have a lot of propositions for you."

so at least i can be at peace and not worry about x while i'm away. :)

friends

2005-02-28T18:42:00.000-05:00

i would seriously die without them. not kidding.

liz: so we decided that we need to give you a pep talk and get you excited again because, jackie, you are so talented and i don't want you to get discouraged. just think about all those famous designers -- they all have stories like this.

me: thanks. i know. well, i'm finally starting to come out of this.

liz: well, you do deserve to go through this, as it is a bit traumatic. [pause] have you been going to stores and stuff?

me: of course not!

liz: well, you know, it's actually not that hard now that i've been doing it a lot more. it gets easier. (she just came back from a trip to florida & got new 3 new accounts).

me: well, i'm hoping to regain my umpf while in hawaii. i'm seeing x tonight because i don't want it to wait until i get back. i don't want him bringing me back down (the ex boss/teacher/everything -- yeah, it didn't happen on friday).

liz: that's good. you need to talk to him. [pause] i'm going to badger you when you get back because really, you have so much talent. i still can't believe that you can make all of that stuff and now it's just about getting you out there. we'll even make the calls for you.

me: okay, i'm counting on it (badgering). thanks, liz.

really, what would we do without friends?

hawaiian salt

2005-02-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

is basically sea salt but better because it's you know, hawaiian. :p ha ha.

anyway....so if this isn't a classic example of just how lazy my fucking fat ass can be.........

made another batch of my cookies -- that according to mindi, "t would leave me for you if you keep making those cookies" (or something like that). (i like being the third wheel so i have to buy my way into that relationship somehow.)

so you know, i cut up the chocolate & the coconut (new addition, but you can't taste it anyway) and the pecans (in the grinder) but someone is too fucking lazy to grab the stool from her closet so she can reach the salt up on the top shelf of the cabinet. so hey, i grab the easy access (i use it for/in everything) hawaiian salt. you know -- me thinking, well, it's better than regular salt anyway so why not AND salt is salt.

WELL. yeah.

mindi: hmm....there's a weird crunch and i think it's the salt....[pause]....mmmmm, yup. it is.

me: FUCK! NOOOO!!! dammit!!!! and you wanna know the truth -- it's because i was too fucking lazy to get the regular salt!!!!! it's too high!!!

lesson learned.

oops.

just wanna make sure your taste buds still work, you know? always thinking of you guys. :) did it just for you ALL. :) yep. uh huh. mm hmm...

PROOF that the sister IS the devil incarnate!!!

2005-02-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

so my sister called home to get our aunty's address so we can finally send her thank you's for christmas (i know, it's fucking almost march....i was never good with sending these on time. BUT! i'm obviously not alone).

devil incarnate is visiting parents right now

[phone rings]

devil incarnate: hello?

my sister: [thinking: who's this? oh shit. i called the wrong number.]

hangs up because she doesn't recognize the voice

[calls back]

devil incarnate: hello?

my sister: oh! sorry jen, i didn't recognize your voice (to my sister's credit -- they DON'T talk...EVER). it's alison. i want to talk to mom.

devil incarnate: OH

and she fucking HANGS UP THE PHONE ON HER!!!

so then my sister calls back and the fucking devil incarnate bitch doesn't answer the phone.........

SEE!!!!!!!!! I TOLD YOU SHE'S THE DEVIL INCARNATE!!!

FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!

sunglasses at night

2005-02-26T12:35:00.000-05:00

WHAT did i say about that. huh? HUH?

if only the camera had flash or something -- i could've gotten a picture of that lame-o guy at jake's... DAMMIT!!! the dumbass was wearing his sunglasses IN the bar ALL night...

so that would've been stupid person #1....

scariest day of my LIFE

2005-02-25T11:43:00.000-05:00

and that is today.

meeting with the ex boss-slash-teacher-slash-everything tonight. SCARE-EEEEEEEEEE. gosh. i don't know if i'll be able to do it. i might turn around when i get to the door. i don't really want to hear what he has to say, i'd much rather just put that behind me but i suppose i can't go back home without knowing the full reason. but what if i come out of there feeling WORSE??!!! and then i get set back in this wicked-nasty state of mine AGAIN?!! i'm sorta coming out of it and i don't want to go back in...

!!!!!!! panic. scream. yelp. fear. scared shitless. pee in my pants. i want to die. just beat me with a stick now.

i just might have the cutest dog EVER

2005-02-24T16:31:00.000-05:00

here she is with my matching cell phone charm of her

new job

2005-02-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

i have a new job.

no, not a paying one.

i have proclaimed it my duty to photograph all atrocities that come my way. for instance -- today i saw this woman wearing BABY PINK VELVET pants, a faux mink jacket & was carrrying a PRIMARY ORANGE handbag. UMMMMMM...yeah... if only the woman didn't turn left (something derek zoolander can't do) into starbucks, i would've gotten that shot. i wasn't quick enough.... [dammit!!!]

so yes, this is my new job. :) and i don't have to keep this one a secret from you. i'm sure you'll actually be quite amused -- as long as i come across at least one stupid person a day. :)

diet

2005-02-24T11:17:00.000-05:00

WOAH! i can't believe i just said that...

it's just... i'm afraid when stacy picks me up from the airport, she won't recognize me and i'll be shouting out, "stacy! stacy! STAAAAACCCCCYYYYY!!!!!!" and she'll look at me like i'm some psychopath she doesn't know....

that's my fear. that i have ballooned to be such an elephant hippopotamus, that my friends won't recognize me.

diet. crap. gawd. just that word sends tingles down my spine.

diet. !!!! ick!!!!

isn't there an easier way?

oh right, it's called i should exercise too.. WELL IF THE FUCKING POOL I GO TO WASN'T 60 BLOCKS AWAY, MAYBE I WOULD.

at least being brown gives an illusion that you're thinner.... :p i'll just fucking tan the shit out of my skin. eew. that sounds gross too. crap. i'm screwed. fat4life.

blehicky day

2005-02-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

cramps + organizing receipts for 2004 (YES, this IS hard. AND i have to break it all down in excel....!!!!) + pms thoughts = crappy

sun, sand & friends

2005-02-23T11:50:00.000-05:00

in a week, i will get my ass out of my i-am-one-pathetic-fuck state. or at least, i hope so. flying 11 hours in the hopes of regaining my old self. this is where i'll be going every single day that i am there, weather permitting:

ko olina resort

me + ko olina lagoon(s) + raft + friends + cooler full of drinkies & FOOD + music + mat (that i need to remember to pack) + sand to buff my dry & tired feet (i miss not being able to buff my feet in the sand) + sun + those kona winds that i *oh* so miss = one refreshed & happy jackie

if i weren't so fat right now, i'd do before & after pictures -- to show you just how dark i can get. i was one dark kid, i tell ya. i ain't got hawaiian in me for nothin'....

i'll post some pictures with my *new* camera phone... :) speaking of which -- THANK god for infrared.... do you know that i manually entered all the a's - g's into my phone?!!! because sprint doesn't have sim cards... ugh... but then...... i discovered the magical infrared!!!! woo hoo!!!! (of course, i wanted to beat myself at this point) the rest was a breeze... :)

sick to my stummy

2005-02-22T15:52:00.000-05:00

(warning: this is a LONG one)

you know what makes me sick? me. i make myself sick. know why? because:

i have a better eye and better products than A LOT of people, yet whose business is thriving? NOT mine. WHY? because i'm a fuck. while up until 3:30 - 4:00 am some morning ago, i saw a HORRIBLE episode of this new AWFUL talk show (there's nothing else on during that time slot) and on comes this "single 32-year old mom that started her dream handbag business from nothing and is now a multi-millionaire." well, of course i couldn't miss this, so i had to watch it. ........

well....

PUKE! how the fuck is it that she can become a multi-millionaire off of VINYL bags?!! oh not just VINYL bags, BUT PEARLESCENT vinyl bags. i mean, are we not in 2005 now?!!!!!!!!! swear we are. i don't know. AND this is no diss to china, because trust me, i am sooo going there in a second to get my shit made -- but they actually look like they were "made in china," when "made in china" was a negative thing (i'm sure it still is to a lot of people but you know what -- get over it. they fucking manufacture EVERYthing. probably 90% of [the job that i got fired from] x's goods are made there. and they actually turn out QUALITY shit. seriously. i was hands down ready to quit making anything myself after seeing what they can turn out).

so why is it that the gawd-awful PEARLESCENT VINYL bags can make this woman a multi-millionaire and my super luxurious LEATHER fancy-shmancy bags can't make me one? perhaps i'm the one that is wrong about doing luxury. i get it that price point is an issue, especially after catching lucky magazine on qvc the other day. yes, i did see lucky on there. it was called 'lucky shops qvc,' and NO, i was NOT watching qvc. i was flipping channels while in my feel-sorry-for-me-because-i'm-one-pathetic-fuck moment (of momentS).

yes, i know, feeling "sorry for myself" is going to do absolutely NOTHING for me. but just let me ride it out, as i know it will pass and i will once again, be on top of the world in no time. as marissa has said to me, "if good things keep happening for you, you'd never appreciate anything." which is totally fucking true. i was starting to take for granted that great shit kept coming my way, and that was probably obvious, which is why it all got taken away from me and now i'm here. here in my i'm-one-shit-of-a-fuck place...

i know what needs to be done and that is: become a better businesswoman. because a great product means absolutely nothing. and proof is, that vinyl bag lady. and she's just one of MANY. so back to the drawing board. so i give up my dreams of being the luxury-x-bag-lady, but i can still be the superly-duperly-awesome-x-bag-lady. besides, it's cheaper for me that way. almost a challenge, really. yikes. i can't believe i just said that, that's actually a major challenge. FUCK.

fairway

2005-02-19T21:28:00.000-05:00

for the very *first* time, i've had a nice cashier at fairway!!! she:

smiled

said "how are you"

SAID MY TOTAL (woah!!! all you fellow nyers know exactly what i'm talking about, right? they NEVER give you your total)

said "thank you, have a nice night"

woah. that was a shocker. so i told her:

thanks for being the nicest cashier i've ever had at fairway

and she smiled and said, "thanks."

and that's all it takes folks, see how easy that is???!!!

:)

adult a.d.d.

2005-02-18T15:11:00.000-05:00

just saw a commercial for it.

think i have it.

hi, my name is jackie. i am a self-diagnosed adult add-er.

you've got one scatterbrain of a head

2005-02-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

admissions girl: well, you were accepted into the program for spring...[pause]....but you didn't attend?

me: yeah, i had other stuff going on (it's called the x job that i got fired from for EMAILING)

ag: oh...and i see here you were doing accessories.........did you finish that?

me: [ashamed] no (but it's only because the making-the-shoes part didn't interest me!!!!! i LOVE all the OTHER aspects of it!!!)

ag: oh wow and back here you have fashion design.

me: I FINISHED THAT!!!

ag: you've got a lot going on here.

me: i know.

ag: so what do you want to do now?

me: well, what i really want to do is the 1-year advertising & marketing communications program, but it's closed.

ag gets out a 'reactivate application' form for me.

well, if that wasn't a classic example of WHAT a scatterbrain retard i am.... yikes. i should REALLY ask her how much money i've given to fit. you know, it's not my fault they've got soooo many wonderful programs AND they're a state school ($121/credit) AND i have a learning addiction.... you know, who's really to blame here?

if i could just be a student at fit for the rest of my life, i would. let me just list you all the cool programs that i would LOVE to do:

jewelry design (and this is not BEADING -- ANYONE can do that. this is actually doing wax carvings, soldering, working with the metals -- all but gold, etc.)
toy design -- need i say MORE?
home products development (yes, as in furniture)
restoration (it's exactly what you think it is)

and of course, accessories design, and i want to do adv. & mktg. comm. for my own purposes -- so that i can earn myself my own press (i always was and always will be a do-it-yourselfer).

there's a ton more -- you know what, i think it's safe to say that the fit catalog is my bible....

so i'm a fit loser for life. i'm not ashamed to admit it. fit is a great fucking school (minus the administration).