A Mother's Love

so apparently getting one of my most prized projects into a magazine is not good enough for my mother... it took me all of 3 months, a shit load of cursing, (mental) anguish, and tons of $$$$ to make. my hands had perma-cramps as if i had arthritis at times and lord knows how much toxic glue i inhaled.... well, out of no efforts of my own, this fabulous project landed itself a spot in a photo shoot. i'm beyond ecstatic... i mean, wow (!) -- my hard work is actually getting some recognition and that's pretty damn rewarding to me. yes, 3 months may not sound long to be "working on a project," but you have no idea what went into this.

so i tell my mom the wonderful news and i guess she's happy. i don't know. but then a few days later i tell her more exciting news. i've been talked about, recommended & vouched for to this company for a job. well, i tell my mom "so blah in not so many words said that if i want this job, it's mine and they would pay me around blah" and woah. lay off on the excitement... then, and ONLY then did she come gushing out with the words "we love you so much, i hope you know that and no matter what you do, we're always proud of you." OH... so NOW you're proud of me.... hmm... okay... so i guess getting into that magazine (without even trying to get IN any), someone wanting to rep me in japan (where i'd probably make more $ than here), blah wanting to help me (blah is a huge deal), or the plain and simple fact that every time i actually DO try to get into a store, my odds are usually 1-1 means absolutely nothing....

IF i get this job, of course i'd be thrilled beyond belief, as it would do nothing but improve my business (that would have to go under the radar during employment) in the long run and i would ultimately be unbeatable when my time is up. but why is it that sacrificing my soul to corporate america would make her happy? for the bennies? shit. i have bennies. and hey fyi mom -- the fashion industry is a sick, sick world. they eat people like me for breakfast. and they will. everyday. multiple times a day. maybe they'll chomp at my hair and fix what your other daughter did to me. ha ha.

i mean, what if i actually was a good businesswoman... you know, i have my lucky stars to thank that i have sooo many people that support and believe in me. everything that's happening for me, i have to say, is not because of me but because of everyone else's efforts. so just imagine if i actually applied myself... (yes, i know i should read those words back to myself.)

she never really did have all that much faith in me... why is ma's approval so longed for anyway? so annoying.