the simple life

i wish i could be content with a life like this: live on the north shore of oahu, go to the beach everyday, and hang out with friends at night. goddamn these pipe dreams of mine. i mean, they probably really are pipe dreams. i'm starting to lose faith in my abilities. why can't it just be easy where i could move back to hawaii and work with my friend nicole and make choke* bank, live on the north shore and simply "take it easy?"

i'm really just a scared little girl inside. i'm afraid to piss of my contractor, so i let him push me to the side. i'm afraid to call stores, so i don't. i'm so ridiculously afraid of rejection, which is probably why i'm not giving my 100%. or maybe i am? maybe i'm capped out and this is as good as it gets.

like marissa, i too, believe that everything happens for a reason. what that reason is for what's happening to me right now, i obviously will not find out until later but...FUCK!!! hurry up and let me know for crying out loud.

because honestly, that option up there sounds a lot better than what's going on right now so if i don't see the reasoning for what's been happening soon...

anyway, can we say pity-party-for-jackie? gees. i sound so pathetic. i hope you're not still reading this.....

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*choke: plenty; a lot. not sure if "choke bank" is pidgin, i know "choke" is. well, if it is: A LOT of money.