sick to my stummy

(warning: this is a LONG one)

you know what makes me sick? me. i make myself sick. know why? because:

i have a better eye and better products than A LOT of people, yet whose business is thriving? NOT mine. WHY? because i'm a fuck. while up until 3:30 - 4:00 am some morning ago, i saw a HORRIBLE episode of this new AWFUL talk show (there's nothing else on during that time slot) and on comes this "single 32-year old mom that started her dream handbag business from nothing and is now a multi-millionaire." well, of course i couldn't miss this, so i had to watch it. ........

well....

PUKE! how the fuck is it that she can become a multi-millionaire off of VINYL bags?!! oh not just VINYL bags, BUT PEARLESCENT vinyl bags. i mean, are we not in 2005 now?!!!!!!!!! swear we are. i don't know. AND this is no diss to china, because trust me, i am sooo going there in a second to get my shit made -- but they actually look like they were "made in china," when "made in china" was a negative thing (i'm sure it still is to a lot of people but you know what -- get over it. they fucking manufacture EVERYthing. probably 90% of [the job that i got fired from] x's goods are made there. and they actually turn out QUALITY shit. seriously. i was hands down ready to quit making anything myself after seeing what they can turn out).

so why is it that the gawd-awful PEARLESCENT VINYL bags can make this woman a multi-millionaire and my super luxurious LEATHER fancy-shmancy bags can't make me one? perhaps i'm the one that is wrong about doing luxury. i get it that price point is an issue, especially after catching lucky magazine on qvc the other day. yes, i did see lucky on there. it was called 'lucky shops qvc,' and NO, i was NOT watching qvc. i was flipping channels while in my feel-sorry-for-me-because-i'm-one-pathetic-fuck moment (of momentS).

yes, i know, feeling "sorry for myself" is going to do absolutely NOTHING for me. but just let me ride it out, as i know it will pass and i will once again, be on top of the world in no time. as marissa has said to me, "if good things keep happening for you, you'd never appreciate anything." which is totally fucking true. i was starting to take for granted that great shit kept coming my way, and that was probably obvious, which is why it all got taken away from me and now i'm here. here in my i'm-one-shit-of-a-fuck place...

i know what needs to be done and that is: become a better businesswoman. because a great product means absolutely nothing. and proof is, that vinyl bag lady. and she's just one of MANY. so back to the drawing board. so i give up my dreams of being the luxury-x-bag-lady, but i can still be the superly-duperly-awesome-x-bag-lady. besides, it's cheaper for me that way. almost a challenge, really. yikes. i can't believe i just said that, that's actually a major challenge. FUCK.