"you're just not serious"

and now comes the "x doesn't need you, so we're going to let you go" speech:

you're just not serious enough. you have too many distractions and you're not taking this seriously. they've read all your messages (yes, meaning they READ ALL MY EMAILS!!!). so i'm sorry. if you're gonna be mad, be mad at me.

first, yes, while i may have been dumb to email at a new job in the first place, but no, i wasn't doing this through my work email, this was through my personal email. so they read alllll my emails probably as i was typing them... how scary freaky is that?? i feel so violated. so exposed. but in the end, of course i only have myself to blame. blame myself for not speaking up for myself and telling blah:

you know, if you would just let me watch you and PROPERLY TRAIN me, maybe i wouldn't be distracted. i am terrified at work because i have NO CLUE as to what i'm doing. you just throw stuff at me and expect me to do it, while i can do what i think is right to a point, it will never be what you and your 35 years of experience wants. so i find these "distractions" so that it looks as if i'm busy away figuring out what's wrong with that stupid wallet/bag/keychain/shit/fuck/crap/itch/bitch/bleh. (and dammit!@ !!!! i stopped them from recalling a shitload of fucking wallets. crap. if i knew this was coming, i would've kept my mouth SHUT! damn me for trying to impress them with my "pays attention to details" eyes... fucking shits...i tell you, i'm so dumb sometimes...) so throw me a bone here and help me out.

i have decided that i must enroll my lame have-no-problem-blabbing-the-shit-out-of-peoples-ears-when-i-talk-about-nothing-of-importance ass in some sorta speech class, as this is not the first OR last time i will not speak up for myself. bad! bad! bad! i know! air-slap the back of my hand for me, will ya? thanks. or just whack me hard on my head until i get it.

okay, yes, true, i confess, i wasn't taking x seriously. while x may have been the opportunity of my lifetime to better my business in the end, i did act like a complete a-hole. the whole email addiction thing... i think i need to go to emailaholics anonymous (but when would i have time when i'm a regular at l&laholics anonymous, eataholics anonymous & crassmouthaholics anonymous???!!!).